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I gave love one last final nudge, or maybe I pushed it away for good. It’s hard to say.  I told Y I hoped he was doing well, and he could call me if he wanted. If not, good bye.

I emailed the dude in Paris who said he would call me “soon” about two weeks ago now. I’m not indifferent, so I do care that it is taking him so long. That being said, i have no idea what is going on with his life and it might be hard to find time with the time difference. However, it is my firm belief that people who want to do something will find a way.  And if he doesn’t want me, I don’t need him.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother and it was noted that women act crazy because men give them mixed signals. I feel like that sums up my situation. I also feel like there has to be some kind of limit to what effort I can make or how long I can wait before all my self esteem drains away.  Honestly, I don’t really think the guy I last spoke to is the guy I was starting to really fall in love with.  If he is, he is a coward for not reassuring me of his feelings.

It’s a shame, really. If I was still in Paris, I’m pretty sure we’d be quite happy together. Not that any road is totally without bumps but I’m sure that we’d either be seeing each other today or have gone out last night.  I would probably be smiling and writing love poetry and thanking Destiny for having met him.

I can still smile and thank Destiny, but I feel like I’ve reached or should have reached my maximum effort I’m willing to put in, because he’s not really giving me anything.

I know that love is patient and kind and worth saving and conquers all and forgives but I can love him as a Christian without loving him as a woman.

And I hate being this way because I’m a romantic and have waited around and dealt with much more BS for much less worthy guys who were a lot less involved in my life.

But I’m not that person anymore.

I’ve got my own dreams to make come true, with the grace of God.

And I just love myself too much for this right now. I guess he’d prefer I feel indifferent and let it be super casual without cutting him off, but even for keeping in touch, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t keep his promises and forgets about me so easily.

Sometimes I feel like he confused me on purpose, because he wanted all the bells and whistles and trappings and intimacy and affection of a relationship without putting himself out there or taking a risk by opening up and committing to me.

I don’t really know, and I don’t want to argue with myself about what he had or cite all the instances that aroused my suspicions when we were in Paris together. I don’t really understand his motives for anything, and I’m having trouble feeling like he cares about me. Mentally I know he did but I’m just not feeling out, and that is making me want to cry.

I wouldn’t be so in my head and crazy and overanalyzing if he gave me something solid to hold on to, or if he gave me less time and reason to wonder.

I am not crazy, and I won’t be involved with someone who makes me this way.

Beyond Y, i am done with this version of love, this sick pattern of reaching out and getting nothing in return, of putting yourself out there knowing the other person feels something but tries to hide it, of knowing that there’s something there but not the courage to realize it. I’ve done this too long and too many times. There must be something better out there. And if there isn’t at the moment, I’m better off alone anyway, since in these twisted relationships you are more alone than if you’d never met the person.

I could try and explain all this to Y, everything I’ve felt and experienced from my side, but if he doesn’t get it and doesn’t choose to reach out to me, it’s not something I’ll ever be able to explain.  If he can’t understand how I feel, we can never have anything more than a good time together, which has now been compromised by this idk lack of trust.

So now, I give up. I just plain give up. I hate giving up, I hate letting something good go. But I did and I have. It’s in his hands now. I hope I’m not being too immature or cold or cruel or crazy. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’d rather hope for other things than for him in vain.

So it hurts. I feel scared and guilty of giving up, but really that’s the only thing there was left for me to do. He was a good guy, I would never say anything opposite to that, but I don’t know if he’s good enough. Or strong enough to be my man, ever, or faithful enough to be my friend.

In faith that better times are coming,

MJ

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