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To be honest, I’ve been finding myself at a loss for motivation these days. I don’t really like doing things without knowing why or what for.

I’ve been asking myself a lot of hard questions about why I went to business school and why I’m there.

I’ve noticed a few differences between b-school and undergrad:

  • learning about operations is not as fun as reading medieval French literature
  • critical thinking is more fun than just surveying information and is motivating in itself
  • I compare myself to other people a lot
  • doing the practical thing that I knew I was capable of doesn’t seem to feel that practical at all sometimes, since I’ve sort of lost some options and have significant debt to pay back
  • I don’t really like business, but at least I’m still interested in management and strategy
  • i still think being a professor would be the coolest job in the world if I knew what to research, which I don’t, yet
  • I hate to say this but for the first time since high school I don’t love school; I feel like I’m a teenager again and don’t really know what I’m doing or why

Also, I’ve started writing poetry and for pleasure again. Isn’t that something?

So, I am motivated by money to the extent that I want to make enough of it to “justify” my educational expenditures and provide a comfortable lifestyle to myself and my parents. Not to mention, fund further travels, be able to eat Wendy’s and get my nails done without feeling guilty or stressed, and feel like I’m compensated for all my time and trouble. Not to mention, says the little ego voice, money is the great scorecard in Ameerican society and I’ve worked hard, I want to win. At least enough not to be annoyed knowing that my talents are well valued.  I also chose a masters degree I thought would have the greatest practical application- it was also outside of my general field of previous interest so I would feel like I learned something instead of just doing more of the same of what I liked.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t just become a French teacher, and then I remember monotony and boredom and being tied down to the same district.  Sure, I’d have time to live in France in the summer but not sure about the resources to do it. I would have had time for children when I had them but honestly I probably would have been bored, but had more time for my outside interests. That’s not to say I disrespect teaching as a profession or think it is boring in and of itself. I just know that pedagogy, at least at that level, is not my passion. To that extent I probably would have been having similar feelings in a Masters of Education program, and would face an equally uncertain future economically given budget cuts, may have had to take more time away from working to do a longer master’s degree, and might have ended up with about the same debt load with much lower overall prospects for career pay and variety in my work.

Of course, I could have done public affairs or international studies or something but I’m not sure how interested I would have been since I already know a lot about that stuff, and it just doesn’t seem to be a strategic move given the surplus of grads in this area, the few practical skills conferred by these degrees, and probably more debt for less prospect of getting paid.

Le sigh. I get to go to yoga and chillax for a moment at least, and my big project is turned in and I have a new book from the blessed Free Library of Philadelphia.

And yeah, I want to go to Paris, and I would do almost anything to get there. Maybe even get an econ degree and work while doing it, even though I wouldn’t have had the balls to do a degree in econ or know how awesome it truly was before doing an MBA. who knows.

All I know is, I want to make my heart sing, teach the world to sing, pay my bills, and be gloriously, radiantly, alive.