Tags

, , , , ,

I feel this constant knot of anxiety in my chest, just above my stomach. I think its where my ribs and lungs are. I can forget about it when I’m in the presence of others, and sometims I laugh or forget myself doing yoga or reading. But the second I’m alone, it returns. I often don’t want to actually hang out with other people because all I want to do is unknot it and I’m afraid of raining on everyone’s parade.

I don’t know if people can see just how miserable I feel underneath my equanimity. There’s a storm raging behind my calm, pleasant demeanor. I know that sometimes for those close to me they can sense my tension and tell me to relax. I don’t think I’m unloved or unlovable or unsupported, but I do try not to spread too much un-sunshine.

I’m anxious because I know I don’t like business (shocker) and I just feel nervous about everything to do with school work. That it’s too much, I’ll never be satisfied, I’m tired of group work, I should be looking for a job.

Most of all, I’m anxious about finding a job. I know I’ve got a lot to offer but I just don’t see that many roles I could see myself doing.

And I’m also anxious because I’m trying to be healthy, and I don’t want to reach for a cookie to quell the storm and distract myself.

I’m lso anxious because I’m waiting for my dude or he who kind of was my dude to call.

I’m also just so so anxious not knowing where my place in this world is, in terms of job, life, purpose, relationships, and PLACE.

And probably most of all, I’m anxious about the choices that i have yet to make and that I am avoiding by omission. I’m anxious about the “what if I get my dream job, and it’s not in Paris or even in Europe? Will I ever get back there? What shoud I do? Should I do what’s responsible and practical, like getting the education I’m getting now, or should I deal with the unknown, and all te probably difficulties that come with it?

Who knows.

Luckily I ended up having a few drinks with my roommates and talking for a while.

Life’s not so bad.

Just gotta pull through it, and I will.

🙂

MJ

Advertisements