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Love and risk are obviously a pair, since they imply you have skin in the game and something to win or lose. You care.

Randomness- call it destiny, fate, the Hand of God.

Letting go is rather self explanatory I suppose.

My yoga teacher told the story of a (physical?) therapist. She gave a lecture and asked the students to consider a glass of water that was half-full/half empty. She asked the students how much it weighed.  They guessed.

Then she asked them to consider what impact it would have on the body if held for one minute, an hour, or 6 hours.

Though the weight of the water didn’t change, the same weight could be crippling if held too long.

So it is with all our worries and cares- they need to be put down sometimes, or better yet let go.

~

It can be hard to let go of the worries we have come to identify with. Sometimes the things we worry about are the only things we really feel to be our own. We forget about our distinct laughter, smile, sense of humor, and all you can really see is “your” problems.  You feel like you’d be giving up an essential part of you if you stopped obsessing over that guy, stopped worrying about finding a job, actually adopted a healthy lifestyle instead of beating yourself up about not having done it yet. Who would I be, if I took a run a few times a week, stopped drinking diet soda, and had only the occasional chocolate chip cookie (and probably had the figure to prove it)? Who would I be if I stopped wondering about him? What kind of person would I be if I really did just chill out and have faith in myself and believed things really would work out all right in the end? WHo would I be? What would be left without all my existential dillemmas, quotidien worries and cares, and the insecurities I can’t imagine living without? What if I actually accomplished the little things I could and stopped beating myself up over mountains not yet climbed and losing faith in myself?

Like many posts of mine, this is secretly all about love and dating. What else is there to talk about? I’m a girl in my mid twenties, har har.

If I take a second and really think about it, being with the right guy right now wouldn’t complete me. I’m feeling extremely incomplete right now, and that’s exciting. I don’t think I ever really want to be complete, though I would like a guy. But that wouldn’t make me happy in and of itself forever. There would always be another mountain left to climb. And there would be some major potential drawbacks to meeting someone. There would be a lot of wonderful things too, and I still hope it happens.  But if it did, it wouldn’t solve all my problems that I’m supposed to stop identifying with. Nothing will ever complete me but me.

They talk about (yall know they is conventional wisdom and well meaning people, friends and relatives, and Cosmo) how once you’re ready, you’ll meet the right guy. It’s kind of implied you have to be your “best” self first, and have to be kind of settled down (aka tied down with a full time job, debt, and other things to keep you in one place and standing in line).  People who think they have all it all figured out, or at least want you to think they do, want you to feel that being a “mature adult” is the key to all your issues- loneliness, the search for meaning, etc. To a certain extent, being a real mature adult probably is. But I can be responsible and mature without having a mortgage or an apartment in my name. Heck, I think I can even dare to make a few mistakes and still call myself responsible and WORTHY. So yeah, if I wait for my own perfection to wait for Prince Charming to come, I’m going to be waiting a long time, which is to say, forever.  And isn’t he supposed to love me for me, anyway? Pretty sure Beyonce would say so.

And then we get to the question: Is Prince Charming what I want? Or what I want now? How will I know him when I see him? Will he ever come? What if he’s not as wonderful as I think? What if I’m looking in all the wrong places or for the wrong person? What if I’ve missed him somewhere, or doing whatever that made me a little “different” from the pack will condemn me to spinsterdom? How could any one ever love me when I still have so much to fix? Could I fix it all and have my career and keep all my other balls up in the air if somebody really loved me even if I’m not perfect all the time? How would I keep on going if I did meet somebody special who accepted me the way I wish I accepted myself? What would happen if somebody encouraged me to follow my dreams like the Irish cop in Bridesmaids? Do I have to go through a Kristin Wiig style crsis to get there? Is being a damsel in distress the key to getting the guy? Has feminism or fairy tales ruined me more?

What do I really want for my life?

Well, I think, for a change, I actually have some answers. To the big, underlying questions not the real one.

A good part of life is random. The good news is, you don’t have control over it. There are certain things you just can’t mess up.

So when you find yourself seated next to a handsome stranger on the subway, find the balz to strike up a conversation, and the guy is nice enough you don’t hate yourself for liking him and wanting him to like you, maybe that’s the time. Maybe when you meet him it will seem predestined, like it’s happened before upon a dream. And maybe it did.  However, the fact is, randomness is going to put him in the seat next to you, so you can’t miss him.

You’ll probably miss him if you have your litany of concerns drowning out all reason in your head. You’ll probably miss him if you just care about other things so much you don’t even notice he’s cute. You’ll probably miss him if you just don’t happen to catch that train, today, for whatever reason.

But when you do want to meet someone like him, maybe a part of you will be slightly more aware of her surroundings.  Maybe some part of you will be soft and chewy and delicious and ready to love. Maybe you will actually ened up liking someone who’s good tfor you, for a change, and you’ll figure that out as you get to know each other and a few months later it’s not just the fact that he reminds you of your teenage crush or corresponds to the items on your list “we ALLL have one), maybe you’ll just be ready for it. And it’s not the thing you can rush being ready for. Or maybe it will be the worst day of your life, and he will love you at first mascara dripping sight, or maybe even in ugly sweatpants and no makeup at all. Hard to believe, but maybe you just have to try loving “me” then if you want to find somebody to help you- maybe then you’ll know what to look for.

And maybe you’ll be brave enough, finally, to give somebody a chance. And you are ready to let it blow away from you like the current and be the person you are and give him a chance to know you. Maybe it will work out, or it won’t. See How I Met Your Mother for an implied argument that everything leads up to that big moment.

~

Here’s a really exciting thought: What if finding love is just about taking risks- to hold on and to let go? What if life is just teaching you those listens you need to know in order to hold him and put in the honest effort towards being a healthy loving couple or to fold and just walk away. Both are good- it depends on the circumstances, and you will learn what you are in those right circumstances, more likely through your intuition than analytical logic but mostly because you have put yourself into situations where you could learn and observe over and over and over again. Maybe you’ll never have it figured out, but you will know enough about yourself and what kind of ocuple you want to be that it will be easier. Not easy, just less hard. And worth it (just as that hand to face deep sigh “why did I date him” guy somehow lead you to this point you are at today)

But the randomness fo the universe can’t work for you if you are always trying to control things that can’t be controlled and tech you to move along. Don’t worry, be happy.

I think similar arguments form this essay could be made about professions as diverse as doctor lawyer engineer enterpreneur homemaker. And maybe it is all about figuring yourself out, even though it’s going to change on you the esecond you give it an honest look.

So chillax, let it be, and be ready for randomness, or rather, just chill out.

Besides, as rumi says:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

And no amoun of pressure or stom can take down those walls until they are ready. There’s a lot of prep work involved at every step known as “living an authentic life,” which seems to always entail personal riskIn other news, it’s been a week since the dude in paris responded to my email that he would call very soon and missed me. I am somewhat confused by this, but maybe that’s just the way he is. And I actually abam pretty happy in my little Philadelphia night now. recently I’ve been less anxious and more peaceful. I have a little more fiath that one day with God’s help I will figure enough of this out, and I’ll be ready to survive when school ends.

And I will, whatever I’m doing, plant a little sunflower in my soul and figure out what makes sally’s garden grow.

So a bientot mes cheries.

MJ

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