And I am weeping with the uncomfortable truth that all that matters is how you touch others, not how fast the wheels spin in your head or what pretty dreams you can dream up.
No, the smallest big of heart work is infinitesimally superior to head work. Providing for our bodies, and creating this world where I am able to read philosophy on a laptop computer and share with you all is important. It is good that life is not nasty, brutish, and short.
But I was 10,000 times more productive in one day of substitute teaching than I have ever felt in 7 months of business school. I wasn’t very intellectually engaged when i was doing that- teaching decimal places to 9 year olds is about the most demanding thing I ever had to do- but I would say that being a parent is a thousand times more important than being a CEO. One may be able to “bring down” a nation or provoke an economic catastrophe, but I can tell you who has a lot more responsibility.
I wish I could bring something in here about a life without love, but what I can tell you is an unattached, independent life with nothing to block the pursuit of my “dreams” of material success feels a lot less empty than when I had the specter of a shadow of someone I loved who loved me, even though we didn’t plan together or posess each other. maybe that’s why it seemed so much more bearable last semester.
Or maybe it was because I was in France, where I really did experience and learn something new every day. Something besides how to sit in a chair, pretend to listen, and do as I’m told without really stretching my mind 99% of the time.
I’m an explorer with a heart, but right now, I just hope I can put those humors in balance somehow.