I guess one can see procrastination, going to business school, and my first time living in France as an English teacher’s assistant kind of all going to the same place. I felt lost, I tried to do something goal-directed. Maybe practical, maybe consciously fighting the drift into the abyss I was feeling, like an animal that senses it’s on its way to the slaughter. Eww. what an analogy.
But I think in spite of our desire to lead teleological, goal directed, white picket fenced in lives, purpose and meaning are things we stumble upon. And action and contemplation will bring you to the same place.
Recently I haven’t been dealing very well with the practical aspects of my life. I’ve been paralyzed by self doubt, confused, and wanting a way to “optimize,” plan, and make sense of what I want.
Which is still to go to France though even now I worry it is just an escape.
I’m an adventurer, and the best things in life are those I haven’t found my looking. I’d even say that tehy sought me out.
So instead of feeling this guilt and shame and confusion and hurt at how I’ve procrastinated and haven’t done the best I could have done under other mental circumstances, and seeing all this anxiety, insecurity, and procrastination as a problem to be solved, a disease to be cured, I’m just going to let it be.
Chances are, it will probably go away,
and leave in its wake something of value.
In fact, right now I think it is the humility of these experiences I need to keep on being a student. Yes, I can claim that I don’t know why I’m here besides not to fail and I don’t see the point of what I’m learning, but I will let my lack of curiosity be tempered by a bit of humility.
Because no, I really don’t know what’s coming next.
I might be able to ask and receive, and whether I’m certain or not of what I’ve asked for, whether I’m happy with the choices I’ve made, I have to believe, somehow, that it will lead me to tmorrow. And somehow all those tomorrows will lead to forever, and there’s something more to it than I see right now.
I certainly wouldn’t have gotten this philsophical if I didn’t have a boring paper to write.
Then I ask myself, what wouldn’t be boring? What should I do instead?
Peace Corps? Teach for America? the Foreign Service? Teaching English again?
Well you know what, I’m here now. And I’m going to make the best of it.
And here’s to believing that in stumbling, I will only came back up stronger, if not in the way I expected and maybe going in a different direction.
Here’s to faith, that helps us get p when we stumble, and see what’s worth stumbling towards.