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So I’m super tempted to just hit up this dude since he did finally call me back. Because I would probably be more efficient at finding a mutually convenient time and calling him back in a reasonable amount of time. However, given the fact I feel like he’s been more than adequately encouraged and adequately informed of my schedule (although I might shoot another email to say I’ll be free tomorrow morning…) I’m not going to call him. [Because if I do, I will always end up calling him. And I did text him and he did not text me back. He probably fell asleep, or maybe he just didn’t care. Or maybe theres something big going on in his life. The truth is that the difference of a few days, or even a few weeks, won’t make a big practical impact on our relationship. But it might change the way I feel about him, a bit, if he can go three months without having a good chat with me.] My life is stressful enough, and if I go chasing him, or making it too easy, or trying to pursue someone who’s just not there, it will only add to my stress.

That won’t stop me from wondering a bit about him, and realizing how very nice to have him around it actually was. And what might happen when i get back, although I’ll be a different person by then.

Also, I’m not going to feel guilty about doing yoga and decompressing and even being mostly unproductive. I don’t know why it’s so hard- wel, actually i do, I just don’t like it that much- because if I don’t take care of me, no one will. That’s not to say other people can’t help me up out of the pit, but I’m the one who’s got to save me.

During yoga today, the instructor intoned “you have the key to free yourself, and only you can save yourself.” I’m going to do it. From not having a soda this evening to going to yoga to just plugging through my work, I am going to get my act together. And delaying action isn’t always bad. I just need to trust my own judgement so I’m not paralyzed by analysis paralysis, and be willing to learn by doing a bit more. I realize that probably a good bit of why I’ve been procrastinating so much actualy does have to do with perfection- I feel like no matter what I do, I won’t/can’t be satisfied, so what’s the point?  I cannot get trapped in this. And I do need to genuinely relax when I relax, not feel guilty and unrested when I do it. And not spend my whole day wondering about the future so I am completely immobilized in the face of the present.

The more I think about it, all of my problems are caused by overthinking things, but not really being mindful. My mind is always somewhere else, usually in a pain point or other times calculating the odds of some fantasy working out and what I need to do to get there instead of just accepting things as they come. I spend so much time feeling confused because I don’t know what optimal would look like or be able to tell if I had “won,” “sold out” or even just “did my best.” I bought into the myth that it’s all about “talent,” and “potential” and you’re only born with a certain amoutn in high school, causing me to doubt myself at every opportunity and get worse with lack of confidence even at things I was “naturally” good at, like public speaking, where my scores actually decreased with practice because I was so nerous about not having “it.”[ What a big fat lie propagated by a schoolteacher who went to some school formerly related to Yale who wanted to think she was “better” than that. So many things wrong with that- amazing the wounds adolescence leaves behind and I’m only an “emerging adult” in my “extended adolescence” (and sometimes I’ve got the acne to prove it). ]

The problem with the slogan “just do it” is that sometimes I just can’t. Because I’m just not present to do it. My body may be there, but my mind has locked itself away in a dark corner, and my heart is hurting. It’s kind of like in yoga where I feel like the biggest lazybones in the world but sometimes I’m stiff and sore and my body just can’t physically do that (yet). Even if I “should” because I “should” be young and limber and slim like the yoga babies in the “all levels” aka not beginner, classes. Maybe part of the reason b school is difficult for me is because I’m still young and idealistic and havne’t sold my soul to boring things and just am not as interested in ractical things as my classmtes. Not all of them are particularly imaginative. Besides, one of them, a former salesperson, talked about writing two novels. Today I found out that one of them was like more than half in her old phone which she dictated into during her commute. Lovely, but not quite what I had pictured, because I always picture myself as grossly inadequate in comparison to the people around me, and I will explode if I don’t stop stressing about the fact I’m the only one no one has given a J-O-B too, evne though I’ve had some super cool experiences, and believe I do have a productive aka paid contribution to make to society that people will exchange money for because it is of real value they perceive and they can’t get otherwise.

Well I got a little work done tonight instead of procrastinating entirely, and I’ve figured out some of the magnitude of what I need to do tomorrow. Surely not such a bad ting, and the fact that I sat here this long with so little to show for it is not entirely an “academic” exercise. [Why do I have to be the only one that gets existential crises? maybe I’m nto that special after all, I’m pretty sure most b school students think its a load of bs anyway]

Yes, i will be happy again. I will believe in myself and love and life again.

And now it’s how I met your mother time.

 

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