Hello again friends, post-Romans, and citizens,
I took a week off from blogging trying to listen to what was going on inside me, on a truly-intimate me-myself-and-I level. I wanted to see what secrets my heart had to whisper, or rather, take the time to figure out why I felt like screaming.
What’s hurting me the most right now is my lack of faith and sense of disempowerment. Sometimes I feel like I’ve never made a good choice in my life, or rather that all my good choices were simply a decision to end a previous bad choice, and often a little too late at that.
Recently I’ve made the decision to walk away from somewhere I was really happy for the first time in a long time, in order to pursue something practical and see if there was happiness elsewhere to discover. I’m working on finding the happiness where I am but at least I’ve still got new worlds to discover in the near future.
I’ve been thinking about the idea of escape, and how it’s seemed so negative to me that I’ve been pushed into things that weren’t part of the plan, often at a time of feeling disempowered. Case in point is going to teach English in France because I didn’t get the type of job I wanted in the US, and didn’t even know what that job was either. It ended up being a turning point in my life, and brought me back to something I’d always dreamed of as a child: being like Belle.
Now, I really truly can’t wait to get back to France. There are probably a lot of reasons good and bad for this. Like that fact that I feel like a stranger in a strange land even in my hometown, the fact that I love someone who is there, the way I met amazing people all throughout my stay, I want to travel more before settling down, and yes, I still love speaking French.
Any way I look at it, it’s not going to be an easy road. Praying for help and trying not to fear the worst. Trying to believe I really can be happy and have what I want, and I haven’t done anything to “deserve” the malaise I feel a lot of the time right now.
Someone told me today that I earned a good job and deserved to be happy, but life is just not fair sometimes. That I hadn’t done anything wrong.
There are times when I find it hard to believe in delayed gratification anymore, the value of education, or that I will ever get a real job since I’ve failed in the past. The real work is not going to be writing the cover letters and polishing my resume, it’s going to be keeping my chin up and believing it will work out. So that I can keep going, and not miss opportunities believing there aren’t any to be found.
I’m so mad at all the unknowns in my life right now and all the things that make me feel powerless. The economy, the debt-ridden American education system, time, and chance all routinely make me want to cry.
I know that life’s going to be hard, but I never thought the hardest part would be believing it will get better, or that I have what it takes to make it better.
I wish I could be more positive, but that’s really how I feel right now. So going back to doing schoolwork I could care less about, cleaning my room, and trying not to be too much of a downer.
I guess now’s the time to discipline my mind, and take a break.
But I want more than just a break- I want to believe again.