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I have written an essay about waiting for the dude who was more or less mine in Paris to call pretty much every week we saw each other.  I wondered if he would actually call, what it would mean, why he hadn’t responded to a text in four seconds, of he could really be serious about me and sincere knowing I would leave, thinking about potential cross-cultural issues, wondering if my prince had finally come, and maybe, on some level, if I was ready for him.

It wasn’t the simplest situation, although I guess you could call it a fling-but he met my family, and they liked him.  And we have kept in touch I guess you could say.

I recently (as in yesterday) emailed him about potentially meeting up, a few months from now, when I’m going to another study abroad. I haven’t gotten a response yet, which is probably pretty normal considering I told him I didn’t have school if he wanted to call, it’s several months out, and he probably needed to think about it and research prices, and I think he’s just getting out of work now.

Or maybe he’s dating someone, maybe he secretly wants to surprise me with a trip to America, maybe it just doesn’t mean that much to him and he doesn’t want to lead me on.  Maybe he doesn’t want to get any more involved without knowing if it will work out geographically, if I’ll find a job in proximity.  Maybe he doesn’t want anything serious, or to make plans too far out.  Maybe he just doesn’t know.

What it comes down to is that I can’t bring my life to a dramatic halt and wait and wonder if he wants to go to London with me because I think it will change the course of my life, or that this relationship will fundamentally alter who I am. It might, and if he doesn’t want to go for whatever reason, it will change things. I will not think he cares the same way, and I will probably be sad. If he says yes, I will probably still wonder a bit about how he feels, but have something to point to and look forward to. And if he says maybe, well, I will just be confused and stressed out and anxious. Whatever happens, I’ll wonder why. I’ll wonder if he is sincere, if he is denying his emotions, if it’s too good to be true, or what have you.

But I can’t live like that anymore, and my life does not depend on him. Yes, I am emotionally vulnerable, and I do care, and it will change things.

Whatever he says or does or doesn’t will not set me off my path, though.

I wonder if I posed the question in the right time, in the right way, if my motivations were right, if I’m just lonely, and on and on and on.

Whatever happens, is what happens.

With or without him, I’m on the right track. I am on my path, I don’t know where it leads. Recently I’ve been feeling loneliness, ambivalence, and lack of motivation, but I know that the freedom is mine, as is the responsibility, and I have faith that I can bear it.

I also know that I don’t really like ambiguity, and the fact that I have all these little minor break downs has as much to do with him as with me. It’s been a confusing time and we’ve just been getting to know each other, but I know I haven’t felt perfectly comfortable in the relationship and probably his own not wanting to show vulnerability has played a part in that. It may be my crazy coming out, but I wouldn’t feel crazy if he wasn’t driving me there. Maybe he has no idea how I see things and why I get upset, but sharing is caring when it comes to feelings. Being in the dark is what’s hard, and even if it’s part of someone’s habits doesn’t mean that I just have to accept it. Maybe I can’t change the person, but it’s fair to let them know that I’m uncomfortable.

Whatever way this goes, I’ll find a reason to be happy about it. I will make the best of it. I’ll find love, one way or one person or the other. It doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t make me any more awkward or less worthy of love.

I am who I am, as I once told someone. Take it or leave it, this is my story. It might be our love story or it might not, but I am the main character in my life, you, whether subplot or supporting role, are not what my future or present happiness hinges on.

This whole somewhat difficult, could be worse, could be better, not sure if I’m dying a slow death of mediocrity or lack of passion or just trudging through tough stuff and seeing a decision through, stage of my life is not going to make or break it either.

I don’t have to be waiting in agony to know how I feel about you.  I don’t have to know your answer to feel good or bad about myself.

Even if someday, you’re my everything, my relationship with myself will always be more important than my relationship with you.

So I’m going to relax, wait, and be excited, not stressed. I’m going to congratulate myself for being ballsy/awkward, and knowing that I’m becoming a more loving person everyday, and realizing I’m more than worthy of love, yours or anyone’s. But especially my own.

Namaste,

MJ