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I hope that someday soon I’ll feel that my self love, independence, and finding my way in life wouldn’t be squelched by having a partner.

Right now, I’m afraid of any kind of compromise. I realize that so much of what I’ve done up to this point in my life has just been a delicate balance of external achievement, intrinsic motivation, and a bit of self-discovery and musings, as motivated in large part by tragedy.

Sometimes I wonder if I would cease to be creative, were I successful, materially, and fulfilled emotionally. Do I need the hole inside me in order to see God? Do I need to be dissatisfied with the present to see the possibilities?Seeing it typed out, it seems as delusion as thinking that self-hatred is the necessary condition of self-improvement, and commitment to change.

I’ve gotten so attached to a particular perfectionistic script of what love should be, who it should be like, and the stages of its unfolding. Like many other things in my life, it’s hard to let go and accept all that could be. It’s hard to give up the feeling that all my expectations and conditions and best-laid plans keep me safe, rather than the reality that they stifle and entrap me.

I wonder if it’s possible to share enough common meaning, to have enough shared symbols, with someone from a totally alien experience. I lusted for someone who saw, felt, thought the same I did, hoping that would lead to a conflict-less, unambiguous, clear, cold, exact, precise, easy relationship.  This person never showed up, and I find myself missing deeply someone I shared more experiences than words with, with a relationship based on intimacy and the present rather than a shared past or predictable future.

I find myself wondering if I was just lonely or if I really did like him, and every time there is a slight ambiguity, the tiniest break in communication, [or maybe he just has a different way of showing his feelings, which might also be a little confused] I feel like he never cared for me, could never have been serious, that I’ve driven him away, and that since I didn’t think he was the One from the first moment, it’s just a passing fancy. I think to myself, o well, he was just the first person in a long time, he opened up your heart, and it’s too soon, how could it ever work, but I still miss him. I still think that what I actually experienced trumps all those fears and speculations.

I could tell myself, I started writing poetry again because of him, and that’s enough, but I’d be lying.

So basically I’m scared shitless because love and life is/are a big giant mystery.

I don’t have a clear future plan (highly doubt that he has anything resembling a future plan), I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want (I don’t think he’s too keen on settling down yet), and mostly, I’m scared to death of compromise.

I’m scared of compromising a self I haven’t discovered yet, of making the same old mistakes/learning old lessons in love, and pretty much, just letting someone into my life before I know we’ll be perfect together. And other times, I just want to get it over with, give it a try, in the lean start-up mentality of failing fast, and well, cheaply- better to find out sooner than later (and risk losing the time of my precious youth with someone who wasn’t it, when I could have been gallivanting or finding the One).

Maybe love is being able to say, I don’t know but I really want to try.  And, no time with you is wasted.

And maybe that’s not really a compromise after all.

It’s scary to really love something, people and things, and really want them to happen. There’s so much potential to be disappointed, to put in a lot of work and not have things go as planned, to have things go as planned and not really enjoy them (sort of what I’m experiencing now), to make a commitment and have to stick by it (I’m a little afraid of this if only because sometimes I fear my ability to make decisions, and I don’t like making decisions in general),

Basically what it comes down to is every relationship is going to mirror one’s self esteem and reflect one’s sense of sense- If you’re standing where I am, that looks like a pretty scary thing sometimes!

Because until you’ve decided to stop yourself from beating yourself up, you won’t be able to stop someone else from doing it (and no, this dude is the gentlest person ever- ahhh). Until you trust your inner compass and live in touch with your inner knowing, every decision will be wrong and no commitment will seem right. Without living in the present, all a relationship is fighting past battles and nostalgia coupled with collective illusions of a future that may never produce itself.

Being in a relationship seems almost like doing a headstand- it’s something that you sincerely want to do, but it’s just not always possible, or you’re not always ready, or you try and you fail. And that’s okay. Maybe a relationship is the trying part of doing a headstand, and it’s not about whether you make it there, firm and steady, on the first try. Maybe a relationship is just being willing to stay on the yoga mat and give it a go, and even slipping back into child’s pose when you need a rest.

Maybe being in a relationship is really just about looking someone directly in the eyes, and really letting them see you naked.

I can’t say I probably won’t feel some fear about it, even after writing this cathartic post. I can say that I don’t think that any amount of ancient wonders, modern marvels, trappings of material success, or even babies compare to the idea of taking a journey with someone. It’s not just where you go, it’s the second pair of eyes to see it and the other person to experience things with and through. It’s a hand to hold and potentially a complainer to soothe.

Maybe you can’t really accept someone else for what they are until you’ve accepted yourself for what you are. And o, the process of holding yourself up for their acceptance (even if you don’t need it!) and wanting it, yes, actually caring about how they feel about you, even though you want to be yourself and not care at all and never be diluted by anyone else’s opinion, maybe that’s an even more enlightening process of self discovery.

And thank God there’s something out there outside the self, even I get tired of navel gazing sometimes, and you know what, the creative process is pretty painful sometimes. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Maybe the same is true for relationships, in their coming as well as their somewhat probable going.

Honestly I just never want to search for someone again, not only do I not want to be alone, i don’t want to choose, and I don’t want to have to say good=bye, that would be too painful.

So yeah, I’d say the fear of a messy breakup and having some emotional weight attached to something outside of my control is probably the main reason I am anxious about the possibility of a relationshpi.

I don’t need any more boxes in my life, or lines to color inside. But jeez, I would like to make a pretty picture.

And maybe I can, and that’s the charm of the relationship that I’m not sure exactly what if ever it was, and the charm of life.

So sometimes it comes about, in the course of this life, that it’s time to leave behind the hurts of the past, and live now. Facing the future, unwritten, delicious possibility, freedom to create, to destroy, to help, to hurt, to hate, and to love. And the greatest of all these freedoms is to love freely, to give freely, to hope.

The present moment is where all our freedom lies- everything else is an illusion. The stories we tell and the castles in the air we make are important, but it’s here and now and only at this moment that we can make a change, a choice, and find freedom in impermance, in our power over our lives, and our ability to give away, bit by bit, our hearts.

Namaste,

MJ

 

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