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I’ve had a hard time figuring out what I want. Nothing really seems to tickle my fancy. I grew up with the follow your passion, fancy liberal arts school message with the ambition and appreciation of my opportunities that came as a scholarship student. I’ve not yet had to eat exclusively potatoes or mac and cheese as the price of living my dream, and i feel duly privileged. Taking a look at this article,  I presaged as an unpaid or not paid enough intern myself (thank you, fancy liberal arts college scholarships and supportive parents) realizing that “follow your dream” comes a bit harder to a lot of people, and that in the economic times we are living in stability is a pipe dream even for those once in cushy middle management positions. The white collar no longer protects against a pink slip, and no amount of education, goodwill, or hardwork can protect you against the throes of destiny.

And with the conscientious you picked up at said liberal arts college, and the feeling that you MUST live something like an authentic life, come what may, it becomes increasingly hard to swallow all the BS, sit down and do your accounting homework, and be grateful it’s not worse. Because you can imagine things actually being better.

Because you have an imagination, and can and choose to do one thing many people avoid like the plague: think. And, thanks Captain Obvious, write.

Basicaly, my life’s dream is just to pontificate and have people listen. I’ve thought about politics, academia, and now business. All of these are kind of oblique paths to pick up the credibility, skills, and sense that I’ve tried another path- the normal, obvious, thing you’re supposed to do. You’re not supposed to actually want to scribble in a carnet au bord de la Seine, thinking you’re Gertrude Stein’s great niece of some sort or that secretly all those great thinkers from Jefferson to Sartre are somehow smiling down on you.

Yeah, all I really want to do is think, express myself in a way that compels people to think and to act for themselves, and hopefully see the world a better place.

A lot of people have been utopists and done a lot of bad stuff to the world inadvertently. Which is part of the reason why I wanted to have a thorough grounding int he world, since I’ve been told “you’re so smart you’re stupid,” and that I need to get my head out of the clouds.

I also think it just provides a good reservoir of angst for future creative production. That doesn’t sem partciularly healthy…

Can a mostly well adjusted person with many normal paths open choose to take the creative one in the face of uncertainty? can my creativity be more than words on a page and just a resourceful way to live life clser and closer to how I aimgine, or rather, in accordance with my ideals?

I don’t want to tell anybody what to do. I don’t wnat people to respect me for how much money I make or how many people are under me or how many widgets my factory produces. All those things are great though. I want people to respect me for how I think, that’s all.

They don’t have to agree, they just have to be engaged.

And somewhere along the way I do still want that middle class salary and a tenth of the profits from Lean In, at least. Oprah is the most famous and rich woman ever and all she does is have conversations with people, pretty much.

So maybe it’s time to look at a job as a job *le sigh of release* my job is not my identity. But at least I finally have one! Or rather, at least I’m willing to own it!

And I can have a great job, and a great life, and just admit that the goal is to spend some time scribbling au bord de la Seine and inspiring millions. Nothing vain, bourgeois, hipster, or entitled about that.

If the only thing I ever do in my life is have a good adventure, I think that will be enough.

Because if I had everythign else, but I didn’t have adventure- which is to say, God, mystery, uncertainty, the unknown, and I think love probably qualifies with that- I’d relly have nothing.

I’m not really against corporate culture, or Big Macs, or even women who choose to veiil their hair.  What I am against? Nihilism. Not believing in anything. Materialism. Living death- much as I enjoy the Waking dead.

i am for occasionally being late. I am for not necessarily being 100% kosher. I am for living life, and taking its highs and its lws and not drugging myself to an artificial medium.

So hang on for the ride!