Enlightenment: Finding happiness in a post-entitlement era

Tags

adolescence, America, American., career, figuring it out, life, politics, recession, twenties

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/robert-samuelson-family-meltdown-and-economic-decline/2013/04/14/f0d4b6d2-a388-11e2-82bc-511538ae90a4_story.html

This great article describes fairly accurately the sweeping changes to American (and to many other industrialized nations’) quality of life due to the Great Recession. If you work hard and play by the rules, even if you are way above average in the talent and time you devote to your worldly ambitions, you simply aren’t guaranteed to have the “fulfilling,” middle class life, stable job, career with an upward trajectory, and great family life. We hear a lot about women wanting it all, and some women dropping out of the workforce when they realize it just doesn’t work for them, but don’t we ALL want it all? Isn’t that insistence on things being as good as possible, that belief in progress and a more and more just world, part of being American? We are an “Enlightenment” nation whose constitution was written by deists in the Age of Reason and inspired by positivism. But really, are we all that enlightened?

I think that living in an age of scarcer things doesn’t mean our happiness doesn’t have to be any scarcer or harder to find. Last time I checked, love was still as free or as dear as it’s ever been. Sure, a certain level of material well-being is important, but really, could we just be made a little more saner when we stop making such “rational” choices believing that more money and stuff to buy will make us happy? Maybe we will feel even less safe to step off the given path, but realizing that any given day the world is an unstable place and the next big economioc shock could be coming (or death), shouldn’t we just carpe diem all the more? And live maybe a bit more responsibly, not buying appliances on credit and using our houses as ATMs?

Maybe this whole Great Recession thing was just God’s way of letting us out of the golden handcuffs, and the world of political illusions. Sure, things are really tough, and especially in Washingtin we need people to be more truthful than ever before, but maybe not having a job might show you there was a lot more to life than your career. Maybe having to live in a more modest home might make you realize the people who live in it are much more important than anything else. And as you walk down the street and see more homeless people than there ever should be in America (or anywhere), maybe you will feel all the richer with a warm meal in your belly.

I don’t really know what the answer is anymore, and sometimes I feel like I’m a bit reckless, about to figure out my first real job opportunity and quite simply, not putting money or obvious advancement possibilities first. Sure, everyone has different needs in thier life and different risk profiles, and I am extremely fortunate to be able to come home and be taken care of by my family for a short while. I want to have a successful career, but one that supports a life worth living. I don’t want to sacrifice anything important in lfie, no more than i have to, when nothing really seems so certain anymore in terms of future reward. Sure, only time will tell, but really, there’s more to the Great Recession than dollars and cents. People might be putting off having getting married and having kids, and there’s a lot more economic anxiety than ever before, but the last time I checked the problem most people in my “entitled” “post-adolescent” age bracket are worried about are the more existential things. They want to lead good lives, not only great or well-paid ones. They want to come home to their families for dinner when they have one. They want to do some good in the world, for all the good this Great Recession has done them.

And we are certainly not the biggest victims. The rungs of the socioeconomic ladder have gotten slippery and living in the information age, those kids that don’t get to go to preschool really don’t have the same chances in life. Seniors are struggling, parents trying to get their kids through college in an age of credential inflation are struggling, and there’s a lot more people out there REALLY struggling just to get supper on the table, increase in government aid or not. These are real issues I hope will get addressed.

We might not be able to have it all, but we can decide what really matters. And go for it! Tihs is still America- we might not have as much of a perceived safety net like we did before but at least there’s freedom to jump, and to climb. So use this moment of little opportunity cost to follow your dream, whatever that means! Face the consequences, but answer to your own heart before the gods of the market! And most important of all, be grateful.

God Bless America!

Namaste,

MJ

 

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Not the same person anymore

Tags

business, france, friends, grad school, identity, life, love, MBA, Paris, romance, school, travel

I was thinking about how I like to fill in “Ms” because my status does not depend on a man, and thinking what it would be like to explain this to a certain non-anglophone loverboy of mine, I realized that in a way, that would be a lie. If I did get married, I would not be the same person as I was before I was married. True, the outward act of getting married would happen in a ceremony and flurry of paperwork and would hopefully be predated by an ongoing, deepening commitment, but I would not be the same person as when I was single. but phew, not married or even close to it yet, and that is just fine by me for the moment.

One of the things that freaks me out these days is pregnant ladies. The ratio of belly to woman can be insane! I feel uncomfortable just looking at them, and maybe it’s because I’m getting to that age where I can reasonably envision myself knocked up in a few years (after the Mrs degree).  While I’ve honestly never felt more certain of wanting to have kids eventually and babies fill me with ridiculous joy and wanting to cuddle, I have never been more clear that the right time for me is NOT NOW! There’s too much to do, too much to see, before I irrevocably yoke my life to the fulfillment of another till the end of my days. I guess it must be rewarding, but still, sooo far from wanting to be a parent just yet.

It’s been an arduous journey just getting to this more than halfway mark through my MBA degree. Boy, have I sweated this one, and wondered if it was all for naught, or for worse than naught, to my detriment. I have had some amazing experiences, and learned great stuff sometimes. I’ve also had a lot of low moments, questioned the meaning of my life a lot, and really put myself through the wringer. My best hasn’t always been what the old me would have ever accepted as good enough. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I value. And hey, I write a blog now. But recently I’ve realized, talking to other people about grad school and careers, jeez I really have gotten a lot out of this! Today, I am really glad I did this! Which is a big change from how I felt a few weeks ago, to be sure, and there’s plenty of trials left to come. No, I am not the same person, and there are days I feel the worse for wear, but wow, look at me. I know what a P/E ratio and all kinds of gobbledy like that is. I am not the same person, and look how I’ve grown.

I happened to have met somebody along the way, who is not a serious boyfriend and I really don’t have any good sense of what will happen between us in the long term. I met him totally by chance and for the most part, I think he’s better than the kind of guy I would have picked out by choice, or rather, the things I thought were important didn’t matter at all. Sure, he’s annoying, I go for day sworrying if he loves me or loves me not, and he’s definitely not what I pictured. When I think about things like an Mrs and babies, it’s far from a given. But what loving-yes, loving- another human being has taught me some stuff. By accepting the fact I like him, I’ve ben forced to accept a lot of things about myself, like the fact I don’t fit into neat categories, I’m ridiculously openminded, and I worry too much and need to just let go and let God. I’m happy to find I could feel this way about him, that even if it’s not him, I am capable of being close to someone and am growing more capable of loving a real, actual, flawed human being instead of just pining for the man of my dreams. Though absence makes the heart grow fonder and it’s just really at the cusp of things with this dude, I’m just happy to see that I can actually be satisfied with real-life and things don’t have to go how I planned to be wonderful in their way.

And then, there’s Paris.  I can’t wait to go back. It’s just a city like many other cities, really nothing special, except for the fact that I honestly feel at home there. Sure, I’m not French or Parisian, but it’s a global, cosmopolitan, European, French-speaking city full of people who appreciate beauty, art, and culture. Sadly, it’s also a divided city where people of different backgrounds and cultures don’t always mesh as well as they might, probably worse than in the US (but at least they get nearly free college!). I don’t necessarily plan on staying in Paris forever- though when I first arrived I had no presentiment of wanting to stay and look what’s happened- but it is quite surely a part of me now.  Whatever it holds or doesn’t for me in the future, it has already given me a lot. Even the journey I’m planning back will teach me a lot, and anyway, I hope to stay there for a few years. Polish up that French of mine, maybe kiss a few more frogs (jk) or not, and use it as a travel base for Europe. Sure, I may not have quite the same ease of finding a job and maybe not the same level of salary, but jeez, it will be so much cheaper to travel at least!  And I have to go back, I left my heart there.

Somehow, I love my family even more, the longer I am apart from them. I’m closer to my mother and my sisters, more demonstrative in my affections, a better overall relative than I was before. I appreciate family so much, even though I seem to be so individualistic and travel oriented. I am, but there are other things in my life too. Being closer to my real self, whoever that is, has only helped me be a more loving person to them.

So strangely, forever altered, I feel closer to my real self than ever before. Realizing that time is only going to change me more, the more cities and babies and eventually a man I fall in love with. I won’t be the same person in a month when I get back to Paris, or in a few months time when I hope to return for real, inshallah. I feel less afraid fo commitment, though happier than ever about my options and so joyful in my freedom to do so (or not). I am overjoyed to find out that I really can be satisfied, that in this world of so many wonders, I don’t have to see them all to choose and choosing is not a burden, it is a pleasure, an act of love. I hope someday soon I feel that about my career, or at least the first career of my life. Hopefully this sense of knowing who I am will help me figure out what to do, and help me not to confuse those two things.

I don’t need to know how things are going to end to know they will turn out okay. I don’t need to know I’ll be loved back in order to offer the world my love. I don’t need to be some version of perfect in order to love and accept myself. The less i try to define myself by some pre-designed bucket, the more I fit in. The less I try to figure out who I’m supposed to be, the bettter of a person I am. And sometimes, it seems that, in spite of myself and all my very human efforts not to change, I really like the (new) me.

Love,

MJ

 

Spring Cleaning

Tags

inspiration, life, Paris, positivity, sping cleaning, travel

It might seem I’m a bit late on this. I have let it go for a while. It might not be a huge surprise from the time I spend writing for this blog and complaining about the work I have to do that I haven’t spent a ton of time cleaning recently.  I still have some homework to do, too, of course, but I figured this would be a productive form of procrastination.

The past few months have been tough. I’ve figured out who I am and what I want, for now. The growing process has been very challenging, but I guess that’s kind of what it feels like sometimes. The clarity and commitment to my values I feel now is kind of worth it though. And it might just be that I’m getting through it and not “excelling” in my studies as I did in the past, but I am learning to be less of a perfectionnist and I can’t say I haven’t learned a ton about life and myself and matured a good deal. not to say I don’t occasionally whine and act like a baby, but really, I’ve come pretty far and the journey has changed me.  And, certainly very important, I’ve met some amazing people along the way.

There’s a lot of inessential that it’s come time to through away, to release it so I can be free.

There are some things worth holding on to, that are dearer than ever.

And even though I haven’t seen the whole world yet, I’ve figured out where I want to be.  I’m working on getting there, with the grace of God, a little help from my friends, and hopefully a bit of luck.

But in the meaitime it’s important not only to clean my room, but to clean up my mind. To throw out the old negative beliefs thar aren’t serving me, the paranoid fears, the self recrimination, and everything that’s not helping me grow, whether it helps or hurts my ego. To do that stupid acconting review, fold my laundry, change the sheets, and believe that the little things are what yget you into Heaven, on this earth and beyond it.

To Paris, A bientot!

To you mes cheris dear readwea, all my love!

MJ

 

Letting go of the life I planned

Tags

catholic, cross-cultural, dating, human, inspiration, interfaith, life, long distance, love, Muslim, new york, Paris, relationship, romance

It’s amazing looking over these pasts few months how much has not gone according to plan, and how beautiful it’s been.  It’s also interesting to note how, basically, it became clear that I can still have the life I planned after going to business school is a real possibility. I can finish school and the study abroad that goes with it, and come back to America to start my real adult life. I have significant possibilities in terms of a job I didn’t even look for directly.  But you know what? That’s not really the life I want anymore.

Yesterday I talked to an old lover, the guy I thought was the love of my life and the perfect man for me. We commiserated as two idealistic, romantic dreamers assailed by the bounty of choices available and the difficulties of the search for fulfillment aka we talked about jobs a bit. We are friends now, and I don’t think I’ll ever “love” him the way I thought I loved the romantic image of him I’d created in the lack of other evidence, or the seemingly predictable success of our coupling.

No, when I wake up in the morning, I check my email for something from Y, the person I left in Paris. When I met him, I didn’t think much past saying yes to having a drink for one evening.  Somehow it’s been almost 7 months we’ve known each other, although not technically coupled off exactly. I miss him so bad. And somehow I fell for someday I never really had those soul searching conversations with. I appreciated his everyday goodness, and little by little, we get to talking of more mystical things. By the way, he’s Muslim, which honestly is more difficult than the fact he comes from a different country or doesn’t speak English. But obviously, not impossible. It wasn’t in my plan to buck conventional wisdom in this particular way, and like most people I’m a bit jealous of the safety of my heart, but there it is.

It’s definitely an ongoing saga, mostly complicated by the fact I can just never get myself to believe he really likes me. At this pretty non-serious stage, I can’t say there have been any conflicts or dificulties because of religious or cultural differences, except the fact I think it just makes it harder to distinguish where the misunderstandings comes from when they do arise.  The fact he doesn’t eat pork isn’t a deal breaker; as in any relationship, showing serious disrespect of who I am would be.

And I just called him, and he was busy. But he picked up. I wanted to wait for him to call me, but I was thinking of him, so I didn’t. Sometimes it’s not bad to make sure the person on earth checks out with the person in our heads. And if I can’t feel comfortable calling him when I want to, what kind of relationship is that?

I’m so afraid and nervous and jealous without even knowing if I have a reason to be. I miss him so much. And sometimes even I wonder if it’s all just because I want a boyfriend or timing or chance or wanderlust or who knows what?

The truth is, I have to let go of the life I planned to just live life and take it as it comes. It’s part of my personal religion to try to live it to the fullest, let the people you care about know, and be honest with myself in trying to follow the call of my dreams.

And maybe the reason I want to call him is because of my pretty good though not in Paris possibility of a job news. And I know he won’t want to influence me, and maybe we should keep our distance, but I want to be open and honest with him anyway. Maybe a small aprt of me wants to see how he reacts.  I can’t say he’s not a small part of my desire to want to go back to Paris, but I can say he’s not all of it. He’s just proof that if you follow your dreams, you will find someone to come along for a while even in the most unexpected places. I still dream of taking some more journeys with him though…Even though it seemed to come so easy and be so ordinary and who knows how many other people I could fall in love with, that doesn’t stop him from being special, irreplaceable.

I have to give up the life I’ve planned, and not give up hope, but give up a lot of my planning. I have to give up my expectations and double down in my faith in God, and in myself, to make the most of this wonderful world. It’s amazing how not doing something-planning, scheming, expecting- turns out to be the hardest thing to do. And even more surprising is that when you don’t force anything, God is right there to just GIVE you everything.

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

The Gifts of the Journey

Tags

inspiration, life, musings, reflection, travel

It seems I’ve gotten a little bit childish and impatient recently. I’m just tired. I keep asking, “Are we there yet?” And sometimes, I just want to know that I’ll end up where I’d most like to be. Even though sometimes, that just seems like so much to ask of life.

There are times I worry that I embarked on the totally wrong journey, and that’s what the path is so hard. I try very hard to follow my bliss, albeit in contact with the world to an extent, and it doesn’t feel all that blissful. In fact, sometimes the bliss is just dispersed in a way that it’s not really even clear where to follow at all. I guess I can’t complan too much, cause I have found a fair bit of mine, but still, it’s not easy advice to take. Not every decision immediately becomes simple- the mind always likes to complicate things.

And that’s why I think that the path itself is so rich in gifts. We learn not to look back, to keep pushing forward, and when to stop and catch our breaths. We learn how many people love us, near and far, and how love crosses all distances. We figure out that most places, at their core, are not so different, and that people everywhere are the same, but somehow that doesn’t stop us from traveling anyway.

And the interior journey, well, that’s just a part of the road. But definitely the hardest. Man, how many stumbling blocks really exist, outside of those in your mind? 99% of my troubles are caused solely by me. I have much more troble with the problems I create for myself than I do with those that actually exist.

Probably the most important lesson is that even though it seems every inch of the path is hard-won, there are so many surprises, so many treats you did nothing special to deserve. And how there are people that help you out just when you think you can’t go on. It’s amazing how wonderful people can be. It really makes you think how we are all here by the grace of God and helping each other out. That’s the thing- all the real delights are gifts, not things even our blood sweat and tears could earn.

It’s exciting to dream of the destination. Anticipation is a wonderful appetizer. And it’s great to wonder what lies beyond the barricade, and to get curious and engaged in something outside yourself. There can be a lot of confusion over the path, but the way you feel about reaching the goal is quite real.

I wish you all luck on your journeys! Thank you for joining me on mine!

Love,

MJ

 

 

 

The Blessing of Wanderlust

Tags

inspiration, life, love, philosophy, study abroad, travel, visiting, wanderlust

Thank God for my wanderlust.  It has made me aware, more than anything else, of the transient nature of this life, the underlying sameness of all things, and the fact that there’s simply always more of the world to explore, more of life to live, and so much to always be excited about. What a privilege to be alive.

I’ve been afraid of my travel bug though. I tried to cure it, by embarking on a graduate program with study abroad in five countries.  Strangely enough, I’m not just ready to pack up and go home to the town I was born after this.

Possibly even stranger, though I do feel the slightest twinge, I don’t plan on getting into the Foreign Service or some other career where the road will be my home and I’d have none other as an adult.

I still feel the pricklings of wanderlust, enticing me to escape for a while and go teach English in Georgia or Thailand. I still might do that someday, if ever I need a break and I don’t know what’s next. Right now my heart is somewhere a little less exotic, and I’m doing my absolute best and hope with the grace of God to be back soon- Paris.

Sometimes I want things, like a cat or a boyfriend, that would be hard to have in perpetual journey mode. But we are all on a perpetual journey, and no one really knows where they’ll end up next, or just how your view of what you already have will change- call it the charm of life.

I think wanderlust is one of the expressions of feeling like you just don’t know where your place is in the world and don’t feel a strong enough sense of belonging to hold you there. And maybe some kind of reluctance to commit, a desire to stay young and free and see all you want to see. Maybe you just haven’t seen anything worth staying for.

I’m so grateful to my wanderlust because it gives me that pull when a situation just isn’t right. Instead of thinking of how miserable I secretly am, no matter how much I don’t want to admit it, I realize that the horizon is just so wide and the sky is so open. Like a cowboy, I can just ride on- the whole world is my frontier.

All that being said, travel is not about escape. It is about finding yourself, about discovery, adventure, the unpredictable, mystery, and the wonder of life itself.  There’s nothing like a train ride, even if to a place a few towns over, to remind you of how big and small the world is, and that the journey continues.

Maybe someday if you are lucky, you find someone you want to escape with and not from. A travel companion, unlike many other kinds of friend, is someone you can stand to be with through good and bad. Through that time, they are your life partner. If you have had to travel alone, you realize how self reliant you can be but if you find a person you actually want to be with, it’s like striking gold, finding a part of yourself you never knew you had.

Travel is also, more than anything else, a reminder that life is really just one giant experiment. Some times when things go wrong, you end up just where you need to be anyway. And maybe it’s not such a big deal when your train is late or you can’t find that landmark you really wanted to see- maybe it’s all just part of life. And life, it is so good.

There are other stirrings of the heart too, like the crazy idea that you want a cat or a boyfriend, that you want to take piano lessons, join a gym, or get into yoga again. These things are not necessarily stopping you from traveling, but they can be countervailing influences. When you start decorating your apartment, it’s a sign you’ve come home, you’ve found home, and you are happy to be there.

It can feel exhausting and overwhelming, the penchant to be constantly searching for God knows what. You can feel like the cliche of an American trying to find themselves on the road, you can feel like the hobbits on the long journey to returning the addictive ring, you can feel like part of those huddled masses yearning to breathe free and not knowing what it will take to get you there. You can question the meaning of life, the purpose of travel-does it have one-, and the vanity of this silly world. You can wonder if you’ll ever find a true home, and if people will forget about you while you are gone. But you are always able to find that what is important and real-love- stays, while everything that’s not so important goes by the wayside.

I used to think I wanted a place where everybody knew my name and I could sit around with an insular group of friends and occassionally try to break up the routine by pulling some crazy stunt like in How I Met Your Mother, but I’m not sure that’s the person I am, or rather, not yet. I’ve always had a tendency to go my own way, and my friends are for real, and I don’t worry about them moving to Long Island as much as to the next stage of life. I might be getting there, and maybe those stages are the illusion after all. You can’t go backward in time, but you are certainly much freer than most people will allow you to believe at any given time in your life.

Sometimes I’ve felt like the road chose me, and other times I certainly chose the road.

Right now, there’s a place I really want to be. A city like many other cities, really. A bit arbitrary. I don’t really know what I want to do when I get there, except make enough money to meet my needs and to not be miserable. There’s some people I want to see, places I want to revisit, and things I want to explore from that homebase. I don’t think I want to stay there forever, but goodness, that is where I want to be now. Will it be all I’ve longed for? All, and less, and more. Buddhists say desire is such a bad thing, but this is such a sweet one, no matter how lost and confused I feel. In fact, it feels a lot like love. It’s a train worth hopping onto, and one that makes me very excited every morning when I wake up and try to plan my route a little. But it’s really in God’s hands that I get there, and that I’ll find myself safe and well. There’s not much more to ask for is there?

And not to forget, wherever we stay or go, we are really all on this road, together.

The Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm about your face,

And the rains fall soft upon your fields,

Until we meet again, my friend.

Love,

MJ

The Invitation

Tags

couple, dating, love, relationship, romance, self love

What does it mean, to ask someone to come into your castle?

What does it mean, when you invite someone to your apartment for dinner the first time?

What does it mean when they come?

Does “I love you,” mean we’ll spend our lives together, or does it mean, come closer so I can love you more and you can please love me back?

It’s hard to invite someone into your life. It’s hard to turn a stranger into a friend, or a lover, or just one of those people who is so much a part of your life you forget how exactly they got there.

I have cursed my loneliness and dreamed up all kinds of phantoms to take it away- the pursuit of perfection, success, and of course, an idea of the ideal partner. Needless to say, the ghosts in my head did a good job of scaring real ones away. They made it hard to remember what love looked like, and hard to admit when I was happy without being perfect.

They bind me, making it impossible to strive for the real while I am waiting for the perfect. They turn every kind gesture into “not good enough,” and make every imperfect attempt a failure before I start. They make it hard to do anything without knowing exactly how it will turn out.

They make me feel like I am in control, at the expense of making my life feel broken, lonely, and empty.

So I guess it’s time to let them go. They have only ever held me back, and taken the joy out of every victory and put a sting into every moment of humanity.

There is someone in my life, so perfectly imperfectable, who is annoying and selfish and human and nothing like what I’d planned. There is someone in my life who I just want to jump into, not to flee myself but to actually, hopefully, have a real connection with him.  There’s someone in my life I want to be intimate with, to expose every scar to, not so he can make everything better but because I just don’t want to hide.

Without pounding my wings too hard against the cage of reality, that there is a wide blue ocean preventing us from really being able to fly off into the wide open sky together.

It’s strange how when dealing with another human, nothing is easy but sometimes someone comes into your life, they slip in so effortlessly. Not because they are greasy but because some psychological defense system doesn’t go off when they come in. Not because they make you feel safe in a dangerous world, but because it feels scary, foolish in the eyes of men perhaps, but unharmful to let them into your world.

Yes, I really do want to sign up for all those little conflicts and inconveniences that come with linking yourself to a real person.  I won’t put myself into a cage for this person but I’ve already lost the will to fly away, to the point I sometimes scarcely recognize myself. Somehow, either because the chains of loneliness have gotten so heavy or the pull to him is so strong, though subtle, I just want to flee and take my chances at escaping my self-created prison with him.I’m startng to actually want to live in the real world, despite its often rude divergence from my fancy, and I want to live with him in it.

I’m not exactly sure how you make this invitation, or how many flaming rings of fire they should have to hump through first. It seems to me that I’m the one that’s being tested, and it’s just as much of a challenge to realize how I’ve let my guard down without realizing it and not give in to the false safety of fantasy so that maybe I could actually let him in.

In that temple, there are many vases and precious items. I guess I’ve got to pray he won’t smash or steal anything, that some dragon will rise up from my depths in defense and some of God’s angels will come down from heaven.  It seems like its a lot of work on the part of the maiden fair.

But let’s remember, the real challenge begins after Sleeping Beauty wakes up.What do you do when the Prince is in the tower? Or how do you invite him up, since you have already slain the dragon and have reclaimed your own self? Being the prize winner and the prize won, do you have the courage to give your heart away, knowing the essential can never be taken from you?

Come into my castle, come play with me, let’s fall in love, old friend.

I promise not to compare you to my fantasy. I promise to let you be real. I promise to be true to myself to give you a chance to know me. And please my love, let me know you too.

 

It Doesn’t Matter

Tags

career, inspiration, life, philosophy

if I’m a king, or engineer, or Indian chief, or teacher, or Marine, or phlebotomist.

It really doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I’m here now, and I decide to let it matter, to let today be, as Rumi said, the drop of water that contains the whole ocean.

Should I choose self-imposed vainglorious suffering, or follow some part of my heart and pray not to get lost?

Either way, the moment leads me back.

You can;t ignore today; you can’t ignore God.

So really, it doesn’;t matter.

 

Why We Haven’t Found Meaning Yet

Tags

career, enlightenment, job, love, philosophy, zen

reason number 1: We aren’t looking for it.

We’re looking for a miraculous cure all that will make life easy to live, and happy and fun, and turn everyday into a vacation at Disneyland. We aren’t looking to be part of the real human saga, we are looking to follow our passion, win friends and influence people, and go live on the house on the hill.

We are the slaves to many different masters perhaps, but even with that internal conflict, we don’t ahve the balls to set ourselves free.

We find meaning when we realize, this is it, this is my real life, and I only get one chance. Even if I lived forever, today would only come once.

Whether its cleaning out the garage, studying for an exam, or making concrete plans to do something that feels extraordinary but might turn out to be another version of ordinary, we are finding meaning.

Meaning isn’t always glamorous, and it doesn’t always look the way we thought it would. It’s not always noble looking, it’s not always uplifting, it doesn’t always make the birds do our chores for us while we whistle as we work.

No, meaning comes from realizing that your life is the real fairytale, and not living for illusions or abstractions or anything outside of your truth. Meaning is not allowing anything to corrupt your inner knowing, and getting on the path one more time in case you do.

Meaning is settling down, building soemething, traveling the world like a vagabond, teaching, making money, being artsy, falling in love, being sinle, going n an Okcupid date.

Meaning is in life, and life is good.

To Know You Is To Love You

Tags

being, life, living in the present, love, philosophy, zen

You can’t be in love with cities you’ve never been to and people you’ve never met; You can of course, just love them for existing, and for the pull they have on you, maybe.

But I think love is a little grittier. Love is what’s left when you ask, “Is this all there is?” And you know what someone’s sweat smells like when they’ve been drinking beer, and they aren’t Prince Charming anymore, and you wonder if this is it, and whatever way you try to spin it in your mind, your heart just won’t let go.

Love is baby poop, dog vomit, maybe even managerial accounting for a small business owner.

Maybe love is just getting up in the morning.

But love is boring, love is known, love is happy, love is monotonomous, love is not dramatic, it is not interesting, it is not abstract.

It simply is- it’s kind of mammalian, but a little more than just bonding.

Love is meaning you have created out of something you found, not something you’d like to happen to you.

Love is not an illusion, is not a fantasy, is not about perfection.

Love is why you flee the zombies together on the Walking Dead. Love is the companion you are okay with getting a little bored of.

Love is what’s left when novelty’s worn off, a sense of the sublime in the most mundane of things- biology.

You have to get a little zen in order to really love something, because you have to be present to feel it, to see it, to experience it, to do it.

Love is a moment of truth revealing a dream come true, not a fantasyland where every longing is met and justified.

Love isn’t stumbling across the man of your dreams and living happily ever after.

Love is realizing that’s him holding your hand now, and you love him even though he’s human, this is it.

Love can have a tough day, and you might say to yourself yeah, this kidn of sucks, but there’s no where else I’d rather be. And here I am, committed to being here now, not running away.

Love is giving up a little bit of your freedom so as not to be enslaved by your freedom. Love is letting a bit of desire go and seeing some dreams evaporate in order to build a home here, rather than a castle in the air.

Love is being so brutally honest and living a life so raw and true and full of everything in you that your heart breaks, even when all is well.