Because this time, I’m going to be fun. I’m going to do what I want to do (that doesn’t harm others and is in keeping with being a good person.)
This time, I don’t have please everybody. I don’t have to save the world all the time. I don’t have to triangulate between my interests and the market and my moral values and future prospects. This time I don’t have to think about everything all the time. This time I don’t have to be so self critical. This time I can accept what is, let go of judgment, and offer myself and others compassion. This time the only measure of my success is whether I wake up excited and go to bed happy- not whether I’m doing is “good enough,” not whether it’s part of the plan, not whether all my problems are solved or not (they never will be all solved) or if the to-do list is all done (I’m still alive- why would I want it to be 😉 )
Writing this blog was transformational for me because for the first time, I got to see myself as the person within, unafraid to know myself, and bold in sharing myself with others. It wasn’t about a number on a scale, a resume, or even the number of likes I could get. This was something that I did, admittedly with some intention of resolving the issues in my head, but essentially, to own myself.
Yes, I’m a daughter, friend, sister, and sometimes good Catholic girl. Other times I’m a French speaker, graduate student, and I go to yoga. But who am I really?
I am not my hair, I am not my skin, I am the soul that lives within- Erykah Badu
And I can’t forget that anymore.
Now, I don’t just want to heal and solve “problems” in my life- I want to be the cure. I want to start anew. And I can do it- I can reinvent myself to being unashamed and unafraid and no longer guilty for being the person I’ve always been underneath it all (not to suggest there’s an unchanging self, but there is some eternity to all of us), embracing the person I am now, and look with excitement and zest and zeal towards my future.
I’m not going to try to fix things. I’m not going to try to lose xx pounds. I’m not going to make a plan.
I’m going to burn some bridges. I’m going to light the house on fire.
I’m just going to be, to live, as me.
With love, compassion, hope, faith, trust. In God, and in me.
I am the change I want to see in the world.
I have a feeling all those other nagging things, will take care of themselves. I’m not going to need to hide from self loathing, escape from shame, or procrastinate, torn between what I think I should want and what I do want. I will not just accept responsibility for my life, I will run with it. I will make this the most creative, exciting, whirlwind time you’ve ever seen. I will live in the moment. I will let my heart make decisions for me. My mind is no longer my master. And neither is anything else but the God that dwells within.
Namaste, Peace be with you, et all that jazz.