I might go watch Eat Pray Love again tonight, lame and self centered upper class white woman and Orientalistic and all as it may be.
Most of the things I’ve want and have worked hard to achieve (sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing) haven’t neessarily been what I really wanted. They were what I truly believed I wanted, because I wanted to want what my parents and society and everything else said was good, and wanted for me. My goal right now is to go to France, which offends logic, reason, the idea of making a good salary after investing in my education, my family (because I’ll be far away), red blooded Americans, and the whole educational-corporate complex.
I’m supposed to want to sit in a box be tied to a crackberry and want nothing more than to please eople so I can just please more people and have more responsibility weighing down on me.
Maybe most professionals don’t describe their lives this way, and I do hope that I will find some kid of jb, not too dissimilar than that, but where the people and the work and the culture will not be so insupportable. My goal in life is not to be a Dilbert cartoon. It might be to be Belle, but that’s a separate issue.
Will moving to France remove me from the world, with all its highs and lows? It won’t be an escape from the life my choices have created. And more than likely I’ll be working and not just hanging out at cafes writing poetry, unless I win the lottery.
I don’t even want to live the lottery- I just want to have a sense of my own freedom. To please myself, more than anything.
And to figure out what that might actually entail, besides avoiding my accounting homework, and travelling.
What is meaningful? What would serve others beyond myself- many things. Which I’m actually called otdo, I’m not sure.
But I do hope that I start chasing my real dreams, and not the pipe dreams that are someone else’s ideas of happeniness. I probably can’t always please every aspect of my life and the people in it, and I just have to make sure my truest desires come first.
So here’s hoping that I figure my own stuff out, and not let other people’s expectations do it for me anymore. Let me step out into the void of the unknown, and make peace with my own soul.
Let me be myself, but not selfish or a false martyr to my desire to please either.
And let’s believe that’s the best way I can help people too- by being the unique individual I was born to play, rather than getting frustrated trying to perform a role I was just pushed into doing.
I don’t want to pursue excellence, or greatness, or perfecion; happinss is quite hard to pin down; what I do hope to have is integrity, that my words and actions and creed all line up. I knnow I might make a few mistakes and take some bumps and it might not all be strateigic or easily understandable.
And this means not only that I have to stop reading self help books and looking for a plan and trying to know where i’m going before I start, but that I have to begin to write my own poetry, commune with God, and look to saints and artists and heroes for my inspiration.
To deal with mystery, accept the present, and embrace what is simply unknown- I hope that becomes my reality, because that’s the only way I’m ever going to hear the voice of a dream worth chasing.