Strange to think I’ll turn 25 about 6 months from now. Turning into an oldie but goodie, wishing my life away thinking about jobs and marriage and forever and who I want to be.
I think that’s the hardest part, not knowing who you are. They say personality is formed mostly by the age of 5, birth order has a lot to do with it, genes have a lot to do with it. Luckily I’ve had a lot of good influences in my life, but I do have a tendency to want everything to be perfect right now. I think I inherited that from Adam and Eve, or maybe even from the great apes.
I don’t really know where life will take me- what kind of partner, job, spouse, or even how I will practice my religion, to which I am committed but am not exactly a fundamentalist. Will I raise my children Catholic? Will I marry an American man? Will I get French citizenship for myself? Where will I live out the remainder of my days.
I went to the doctor recently, and besides realizing that I need to cut down on the sweets, I had a full battery of tests done, checking for cancer and all sorts of diseases. I’m actually still waiting on one set of test results, just a routine checkup, but the fact that life is a gift could not be better reinforced. Even the most careful people have accidents befall them, and really I’m pretty far from perfect. I’m going to go to Bangkok at the end of the summer! There are even some risks I’m not sure where worth taking, where my conscious mind said no but some other part of me said yes and I don’t know if it was for the good or bad.
I’m reexamining my life- as I do a bit too consistently- and trying to find the confidence in myself to make the decisions that lie ahead. The world is my oyster in many ways, but that doesn’t mean there wont’ be a lot of challenges along the way.
The hardest thing I’ve learned is listening to what I really want. Because the more I defer the desires of my heart, or my deepest curiosity, the more difficult it seems to become to satisfy them. Sometimes I wonder if my need to see and know everything before making a choice will ever abate- it makes it hard to live just this one life.
And this need to justify everything I do in terms of success or utility is getting old, although the need to live in the world and support myself is not likely to go away any time soon. I guess all that can only get to you if you let it.
There’s someone special in my life, or at least on the edges of it, right now. It’s pretty hard to think about marrying someone before I have my self all figured out, but somehow I don’t htink that day is ever going to come. What I do kind of know about myself- the way I see the world and think through big decisions- is probably not likely to change all that much at this point. My brain’s going to stop growing (maybe I’ll stop having pimples someday too). I do think that I’m better than I was before, and definitely more tolerant of ambiguity, but my overall drive hasn’t really changed much. I may be slightly kinder to myself than I was but I’m always trying to be my best. I value experiences over things. I am messy. I procrastinate. I like to travel. Pretty sure not much of that is going to change.
I guess there are a lot of things I do wnat, am starting to want, that I didn’t really long for so much before. I feel like I’m prepared to be in a relationship without losing myself. I think I could commit to a job without worrying that’s what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. I know I’ll keep searching until I find the best place for me.
I wanted so much to change the world, and teach the world to sing. Right now, I’m working on myself first but I haven’t forgotten about that either. Now my vision of leadership is to live the best life I can and inspire and support other people along the way. I don’t need to be the President of the United States to make a profound, direct, and beneficent impact on the course of human events. I have my moral compass, but that doesn’t mean I have to give up all my needs and wants to help others at all times. If I can’t satisfy myself, how can I advise others?
So this morning I’m in a position of strange satisfaction. Sure, I don’t know what I’ll be doing in six months, though I hope to celebrate another birthday in Paris. And if I don’t maybe something better will have come along. Or I’ll make it to Paris for my next birthday. Or maybe I’ll be in Fiji. Who knows. I don’t know what to do with my life, but I feel pretty good about knowing how to live it, and my connection with myself in order to love, work, and play with virtue. Maybe that’s all there is to know.
The adventure continues, but I am the prize I’ve been seeking, already here. Maybe that can help take some of the stress out of the journey, and help me notice the flowers along the sides of the road. it’s not just about forward, or where I’m going. It’s about knowing the here is perfect, and I know my way and always have.