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I regret not finding my own path and expecting an institution to do that for me.

I regret thinking I could trade gold not yet earned for a future I didn’t even know if I wanted.

I regret not taking the risk to try and experiment and owning my voice as an independent thinker.

I regret giving money to an racket I often highly disapprove of (higher ed).

I regret being too cowardly to believe I had the answers.

I regret thinking other people always knew best.

I regret not listening to my heart when it called.

I regret always needing an alibi of practicality to do something I really wanted anyway.

I regret the internal inconsistency of making all kinds of assumptions to justify educational expenses while still adhering to the philosophy of self actualization and following a dream.

I regret believing that conventional wisdom knew more than I did.

I regret not being tenacious enough; i regret thinking that a few letters after my name would solve my self doubt and make me feel like I deserved a place at the table.

I regret thinking there was a shortcut.

I regret not having the courage to own my own desires.

I regret being so eager to please my parents, family, and society that I didn’t bother to figure out what I could actually stand doing to earn it.

I regret not starting this blog earlier.

i regret not knowing whether I’m just a complainer or too chickenshit to quit.

I regret building my personal brand off something I don’t always feel all that proud of.

I regret feeling like I can’t tell a soul among the people I see everyday.

I regret not putting in my best because my heart’s not in it.

I regret that I have to live with the consequences of my decision, financial and otherwise.

I regret all the other paths I could have explored.

I regret thinking it was the choice I made, and not the person I am, that brought me down the right path. I could have completely avoided it and technically been on the same trail.

I regret that I am a bit premature in thinking all of this, though I know I’ll be successful one way or the other.

I regret not knowing whether this is a passing feeling or if I’ll still feel this way tomorrow.

I regret making decisions out of touch with my emotions and informed by flawed logic.

I regret the fact that I have to push another few months to get a constructive experience out of this.

I regret that I’m too depressed right now to see all the good this experience has already done me- though it had nothing to do with business school itself.

I regret not thinking for myself more, being afraid to be unconventional, and needing to run away in order to be free.

I regret not thinking this all the way through.

i regret doing this because it sounded like a good idea.

I regret having such high hopes for something I knew so little about.

I regret not asking more tough questions.

I regret blaming myself for all of this, when it’s my fault, but not in a vacuum.

I regret not believing in myself more.

I regret not giving myself the time to experience what I liked fully.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so different or so bold, but honestly I regret just not owning that part of myself.

I regret being ashamed of who I was, and needing other people to tell me I was good enough.

I regret falling for it- the fashion magazines, glossy business periodicals, and veneer of importance of the false idol the world held up before me.

I regret trying to find a box for myself aka a casket, rather than rising from my self-dug grave.

I regret not believing¬† there’s not more to me than what they say about me on a piece of paper.

I regret associating with people who think you are no more or less than your business card.

I regret all the times I’m not morally indignant enough.

I regret accepting the rules of the game.

I regret not believing I’m too good for this bs.

I regret feeling like I needed something to complete me.

I regret worrying so much about usefulness, impact, the future.

I regret not believing more in myself.

I regret calling soul-searching procrastination.

I regret letting other people determine what I think of me.

I regret not being brave enough to know who I am.

I regret beign a perfectionist.

I regret having to beat myself up whenever it doesn’t go exactly my way.

I regret thinking there’s a best way.

I regret wallowing in self doubt.

I regret not feeling this way sooner.

i regret being afraid and ashamed of my feelings.

I regret trying to become a robot.

I regret forgetting I was an artist.

I regret regretting this adventure- there were fun moments, and I’ve learned a lot.

I regret being so tough on myself.

I regret feeling like it all has to make sense.

I regret letting other people take the credit, andn institutions too.

I regret not “Leaning In” to my inner voice.

I regret knowing what Lean in refers to.

I regret hanging out with people who make me doubt myself and are quick to belittle me.

I regret belittling myself.

I regret thinking it would or should be perfect in an alternate world.

I regret not accepting what I have more.

I regret letting my ambition lead me astray and be what defines me.

I regret not listening to my heart.

I regret leaving France.

I regret not seeing my family more.

I regret not managing money better.

I regret gaining 15 pounds.

I regret breaking my suit zipper.

I regret the stuff I can’t fit into.

I regret turning to food instead of looking with in.

Most of all, I regret not letting myself just be happy for no reason, and punishing myself for something that was just human and never my fault.

Maybe it’s not business school I regret after all.

Maybe if I fixed all that, I could really do great regardless, and be happy again.

Now that I know my life is mine, I’m going to live it well.

Be bold.

Love,

MJ

Looks like I forgot about the second and most important part.

I don’t regret the friends that I’ve made.

I don’t regret meeting him.

I don’t regret living in Paris.

I don’t regret having a French degree.

I don’t regret believing I was a worthwhile investment.

I don’t regret the chance to see the world.

I don’t regret believing I have a bright financial future.

I don’t regret learning the hard way and learning for keeps.

I don’t regret becoming this independent woman.

I don’t regret realizing I’m a sharp, critical, independent thinker.

I don’t regret criticizing the establishment.

I don’t regret trying something new.

I don’t regret finding a way to make money.

I don’t regret realizing it’s all bullshit.

I don’t regret figuring out what matters.

I don’t regret realizing other people don’t know that much at all.

I don’t regret meeting myself as for the first time.

i don’t regret starting this blog.

I don’t regret rediscovering writing.

I don’t regret being able to say I tried it.

I don’t regret figuring out what’s not for me.

I won’t regret seeing it through. Not for the paper, not for the virtue of perseverence, not for the friends, but for the integrity of the experiment. And because it’s kind of the easiest thing to do, and my lfie is hard enough right now.

And because, one way or the other, it will get better.

Some part of me still believes this is my path, and I’ve heard it once or twice.

And because fo the money, and the piece of paper, and the friends, and keeping face. I’m only human after all.

I’m not going to reject all the beautiful possibilities of this life, and this program, just because my heart is full of sorrow right now.

I will continue because this is the place where I am, and I’m not willing to walk away empty handed, and I’ve come too far. When you go through hell, keep going, like it or not.

I won’t regret it because I know the next step is Paradise, if this is purgatory.

And I won’t regret it because I’m curious to see how it turns out, and I want to go to Asia.

The End (finally)

Fin

MJ

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