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I guess this is the time to be self-forgiving, to learn, and to carry on. But not before trying, once more, to understand what’s making the path so hard.

It’s so easy to enjoy success. People like you, parents clap, you distinguish yourself from the crowd. You feel good about yourself in comparison to others.

But at some point, the applause becomes addicting. And it’s hard to tell whether you like doing something because of the adoring crowd or because you actually like it.

Eventually you start doing things because they are “right,” “practical,” “sensible,” a “good compromise.”  You think a lot about what looks good on the resume. You enjoy feeling like you are the best, regardless of the what.

And then probably someday something knocks that feeling down, and it’s only then you realize how much you craved your feeling. And without that applause, it doesn’t seem worth it, sometimes.

Well, I’ve recently started thinking about what people clap for and why, which has i n a way made what applause comes my way less sweet, and has the overall effect of making me slightly less of a circus animal. Now I start to wonder- what do I actually want to do? What is the next p”practical,” step- to my dreams? What is the risk I need to be talking, what is the plan I need to be hatching, so that I can feel that applause come within- and not have to depend on other people- parents, lovers, sibling family, counselors, educator s, and all the people that you might one day want to give you a job, and pretty much everybody that has ever felt important in your life- and stop asking the question that has held you back for so long- what would they think of it?

Somday, maybe when the applause isn’t there though you think you’ve earned it, and all the rights privileges money and group acceptance included, you might get mad, sad. It might be really ahrd, because without that feedback, you don’t know who you are aanymore. And someday, maybe you will stop wanting that, or rather, maybe you will decide that wehther you LIKE doing something or not is a better way of judging whether it’s good- not just what other people think, or the lies you tell yourself so you can avoid having to go after what you really want (though mabe not all at once…)

So now I’m trying to releanthe delicate balance between doing what I must (though who says I must?) and doing what I want. And not worrying so much about what the ideology of the age has to say about the matter, not that it doesn’t play out into both categories. Maybe I can see beyond it, though, and come up with my onw idas abot what’s important. I might be wrong, but it would be better than being a zombie.

So I think I’m going to France, to work and learn French. There’s a lot of stories I can tell about it being useful, but there’s a dream I know is real which is the important thing.