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So I just had to do the stupidest thing ever in order to be able to stay in my grad program. I have a test tomorrow, which I have not prepared for as much as I could/should have due to my emotional storms. Somehow, I find myself hustling.

It’s easy to get caught up in everything I hate, and, goodness, it’s nice to admit to having those emotions. It’s nice to not just be a nice girl sometimes, and to let myself feel angry. Not to always assume I’m the one at fault.

But since I’m here and I’ve decided to stay, whether it was a good idea to come or not doesn’t matter, except insofar as I make it a self-fulfilling prophesy. And I’d rather make it an unwavering belief in my own will to succeed whatever the obstacles and odds, rather han screw up because of something I did in the past that I can’t change. Everything happens for a reason, but I do want to try to maintain a bit of  faith in what I’m doing now.

So much of my life is up in the air now. There are certain things I just can’t pursue right now due to school, much as that will be over soon. I’m hoping not to have to miss yoga tomorrow night. And I do miss my old boo in France, who does disappoint me a lot but maybe that’s also because I’m going through a tough time.  Can’t blame him for acting somewhat patiently and rationally in the face of a situation where no one knows where either of us will be in the future.  i think the problem is that I find it so hard to believe he still likes me.

If I try to cut through the ambiguity of everything, I’m going to dismember everything in my life, the good with the bad.  I don’t want to lose every wishy washy situation, just as much as I don’t want to avoid making solid commitments because this thing with school didn’t really play out as well as I’d hope.

Well, maybe I’ll be surprised yet.

And regardless, what I do is not all of who Iam, and there are a lot of good things in my life, if I just let myself appreciate them, and stop punishing myself for doing the best I could at the time.

And now I’ll just listen to the little voice a little more, and won’t be able to avoid raising my voice from time to time, and in really down with my emotions. Sounds like it will be a fun ride.

 

 

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