I met you by chance,
But I loved you by choice.
My theory is that nearly every time I think I know what I want (maybe I should just say every time), the universe just does not cooperate and give it to me, or gives it to me and then I hate it. Or maybe my expectations are too high, I just didn’t know myself enough yet, I’m afraid of commitment, or adult life just sucks so I should just accept it-which often seems to be a dominant theme of advice from older people.
Right now, I’m not really trying to find a job. I’m trying to figure out what job I want. I’m in grad school, going to graduate in 5 months, and it seems like a good time to think about these things. I had a long list of good, practical reasons for going to grad school, yet when I don’t feel like my program fits and I get thrown into moments of extreme self-doubt and anxiety for having chosen to do it, it doesn’t seem very practical at all. Right now, I’m just extremely blessed to have amazing classmates that look out for me, and another stint of travel coming up as part of the program. I’m committed to finishing, and I’m really lucky to have these opportunities.
That said, it’s been hard believing I’ll make the right choice the next time some times. I do want to live and learn from those heart wrenching brain fizzling periods of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing. And what I have found it is this: I can’t really know what I want until I have it. And maybe I’ll grow out of it. And the most important thing is to turn any experience into something that I want, and get whatever I need that brings me to the next thing.
Trying to be happy and reconcile that with making money, or even just trying to figure out what it takes to be happy is really hard work. You just don’t know until you know, and probably it’s going to be a long ride up to the top, not necessarily of a particular profession, but to the lace where I can see myself making one of my careers.
I think the hardest thing is just believing in yourself and deeply knowing it will all work out. Emotional use of evidence can be used to support or vilify you and your dreams, and many things are a matter of perspective, which is all too easy to lose.
It can also just seem like such a long climb to where you “want,” to be. Maybe we should just learn to enjoy the climb, with all its detours and dead ends. Maybe they are nobody’s fault- just where you were suposed to be at the time, that will give you the strength to get to somewhere even better than where you wanted to go.
So maybe the trick is not to figure out what you want and how to go after it. Maybe you should figure out how you’re going after it, and the moments of bliss along your way, and that will help you chart a happier course, arrive at an even better destination, and most importantly, enjoy the moment.