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So I just got done talking to a random friend about jobs in Romania, which apparently are paid on par with US/UK and are fairly easy to get for foreigners. He told me all about how interesting and full of character Bucharest was and it was quite easy for me to connet the dots in my  head of how this experience could be used to towards larger goals of gaining experience, paying off debt, travel, being international, and just having an adventure. And am I really ready to “settle” anyway?

Settling is an illusion, as is my definition of success. My definition of success changes everyday. Strangely, my burning passions and vision for my life simply come into clearer view- they change, but only because my perception was flawed and I’ve grown as a person. Now I finally will let myself see.

And the truth is that at heart, I do want a little bit of a vagabonding, “where next?” kind of life.  And I tell myself I want someone to share it with but I’m afraid of anything getting in the way.  I say I want good friends but I’m afraid of connections that will tie me down, anywhere, even if I love it.  Sometimes I think I just get bored of plaes and things and jobs (though not really of people), so easily.

I’m not sure what I’m running towards, but I’m running away from the idea that I’ll get stuck. That I will stop having freedom and autonomy. That I will love too much and be hurt, or hurt somebody else when it’s time to leave. Of maybe, that this could just kind of be it, and I might actually be happy and not want to change and get attached and be one of those people whose lives are predictable and steady. And who would I be if that happened?

It’s so much easier to just do something random that you say you don’t really wantrather than try and get rejected. Or to try something that you think “society” doesn’t approve of or understand. I’m so afrad of rejection I just think of a million ways I coul dnever succeed, and end up doing anything to shore up my ego. I’m so afraid for going what it is I really want. I question it , especially if there’s a glimmer of it within reach.

The truth is it’s not just me that will decide what happens to life, it will be God and time and all the other people, especially the important ones, in my life.

And life will never be static, and I actually wouldn’t mind a little boring, a little tenderness, a little just sitting around in pajamas writing poetry. That would be excellent actually.

I can think of so, so many ways to get away from going after what it is I actually want. I can think of so many things I will never do if I pursue only one thing. I think of how wonderful/terrible and frightening it will be if I actually succeed.

I think of the danger of calling someplace home, especially if it’s not where my family would like it to be.

I often think about how being a teacher was so much more fulfilling than what I’m doing now, even if it was a little reptitive and boring and being a real teacher would mean facing ton s more constraints. I don’t do that well with struture to be honest.

Once again, on my way but don’t know where I’m going. I’m not that interested in praying to God to make straight my paths, but I do hope that they will be good steps full of joy whatever they might make. And I do hope very very much, that I’ve have the strength to just keep gtrying and that God will help me.

Life’s been more than good to me so far.

God bless the broken road, and it’s all about th ejourney, but you true have to stay true to a destination, and what makes your heart ache.

Here’s hoping not to lose the spirit of the warrior ut to be steadfast to the things that matter. And not think that happiness is boring. Happiness is only boring because I’m looking or something else to fill up the hole in my soul.

Anway, it should all work out. the Mysterious is never the ennemy of the good, or the purposeful. Nor is Bachanalian revelry not accompanied by other traits.

But all in all, I’d say good and interesting is pretty lucky, abnundamently tests.

God bless,

MJ

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