It takes a long time to build up such a love affair, one where you know every thing there is to know, and feel as if you are in the best of positions to judge.
It’s easy to just cave and call everything a pathology which doesn’t conform, to try to treat yourself into submission.
But I’m hoping the anxiety, that blocks me from both my everyday tasks and the sublime, will abate a little. I’m hoping that I can finally just let it be okay for now, and not have to have happiness defined by a set of externally imposed preconditions- a number on the scale, a ring on a certain finger, a certain amount in the bank, the number of people working under me, or even a more saintly figure such as number of lives touched. I’m hoping to go to a place beyond such numbers, where I can live subjectively without going totally mad.
Trying to look into the moment and say, “This is what happiness feels like,” or this is my passion, even if it doesn’t make any sense on my roadmap.
I’m trying to love myself without having a reason, and hoping that will help when I have to do those things i do have a reason for, and help myself figure out which are the good ones, if there are any.
I’m hoping that I can build a cathedral in my lifetime, because it is beautiful, and that I can hop a magic carpet at the same time. I’m not sure exactly how it will all work out, but I hope my cathedral will be the stronger for the adventures and the carpet will be so much more appreciated in the face of what I have to come back to. That’s not to say I want to resent my work, although at the moment I kind of do, but to feel that even as I adventure around the world, it is going somewhere, and there is a legacy to leave behind me, that I’m making my mark on the world as much as it is making its mark on me.
And maybe all that mark making doesn’t have to be painful, and it doesn’t have to come with such limiting, forced expectations. I guess at some point you have to take a leap of faith and say, it’s just alright as it is. I don’t need to escape to the future; doing what I can know is simply enough.