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What does it mean, to ask someone to come into your castle?

What does it mean, when you invite someone to your apartment for dinner the first time?

What does it mean when they come?

Does “I love you,” mean we’ll spend our lives together, or does it mean, come closer so I can love you more and you can please love me back?

It’s hard to invite someone into your life. It’s hard to turn a stranger into a friend, or a lover, or just one of those people who is so much a part of your life you forget how exactly they got there.

I have cursed my loneliness and dreamed up all kinds of phantoms to take it away- the pursuit of perfection, success, and of course, an idea of the ideal partner. Needless to say, the ghosts in my head did a good job of scaring real ones away. They made it hard to remember what love looked like, and hard to admit when I was happy without being perfect.

They bind me, making it impossible to strive for the real while I am waiting for the perfect. They turn every kind gesture into “not good enough,” and make every imperfect attempt a failure before I start. They make it hard to do anything without knowing exactly how it will turn out.

They make me feel like I am in control, at the expense of making my life feel broken, lonely, and empty.

So I guess it’s time to let them go. They have only ever held me back, and taken the joy out of every victory and put a sting into every moment of humanity.

There is someone in my life, so perfectly imperfectable, who is annoying and selfish and human and nothing like what I’d planned. There is someone in my life who I just want to jump into, not to flee myself but to actually, hopefully, have a real connection with him.  There’s someone in my life I want to be intimate with, to expose every scar to, not so he can make everything better but because I just don’t want to hide.

Without pounding my wings too hard against the cage of reality, that there is a wide blue ocean preventing us from really being able to fly off into the wide open sky together.

It’s strange how when dealing with another human, nothing is easy but sometimes someone comes into your life, they slip in so effortlessly. Not because they are greasy but because some psychological defense system doesn’t go off when they come in. Not because they make you feel safe in a dangerous world, but because it feels scary, foolish in the eyes of men perhaps, but unharmful to let them into your world.

Yes, I really do want to sign up for all those little conflicts and inconveniences that come with linking yourself to a real person.  I won’t put myself into a cage for this person but I’ve already lost the will to fly away, to the point I sometimes scarcely recognize myself. Somehow, either because the chains of loneliness have gotten so heavy or the pull to him is so strong, though subtle, I just want to flee and take my chances at escaping my self-created prison with him.I’m startng to actually want to live in the real world, despite its often rude divergence from my fancy, and I want to live with him in it.

I’m not exactly sure how you make this invitation, or how many flaming rings of fire they should have to hump through first. It seems to me that I’m the one that’s being tested, and it’s just as much of a challenge to realize how I’ve let my guard down without realizing it and not give in to the false safety of fantasy so that maybe I could actually let him in.

In that temple, there are many vases and precious items. I guess I’ve got to pray he won’t smash or steal anything, that some dragon will rise up from my depths in defense and some of God’s angels will come down from heaven.  It seems like its a lot of work on the part of the maiden fair.

But let’s remember, the real challenge begins after Sleeping Beauty wakes up.What do you do when the Prince is in the tower? Or how do you invite him up, since you have already slain the dragon and have reclaimed your own self? Being the prize winner and the prize won, do you have the courage to give your heart away, knowing the essential can never be taken from you?

Come into my castle, come play with me, let’s fall in love, old friend.

I promise not to compare you to my fantasy. I promise to let you be real. I promise to be true to myself to give you a chance to know me. And please my love, let me know you too.

 

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