It’s amazing looking over these pasts few months how much has not gone according to plan, and how beautiful it’s been. It’s also interesting to note how, basically, it became clear that I can still have the life I planned after going to business school is a real possibility. I can finish school and the study abroad that goes with it, and come back to America to start my real adult life. I have significant possibilities in terms of a job I didn’t even look for directly. But you know what? That’s not really the life I want anymore.
Yesterday I talked to an old lover, the guy I thought was the love of my life and the perfect man for me. We commiserated as two idealistic, romantic dreamers assailed by the bounty of choices available and the difficulties of the search for fulfillment aka we talked about jobs a bit. We are friends now, and I don’t think I’ll ever “love” him the way I thought I loved the romantic image of him I’d created in the lack of other evidence, or the seemingly predictable success of our coupling.
No, when I wake up in the morning, I check my email for something from Y, the person I left in Paris. When I met him, I didn’t think much past saying yes to having a drink for one evening. Somehow it’s been almost 7 months we’ve known each other, although not technically coupled off exactly. I miss him so bad. And somehow I fell for someday I never really had those soul searching conversations with. I appreciated his everyday goodness, and little by little, we get to talking of more mystical things. By the way, he’s Muslim, which honestly is more difficult than the fact he comes from a different country or doesn’t speak English. But obviously, not impossible. It wasn’t in my plan to buck conventional wisdom in this particular way, and like most people I’m a bit jealous of the safety of my heart, but there it is.
It’s definitely an ongoing saga, mostly complicated by the fact I can just never get myself to believe he really likes me. At this pretty non-serious stage, I can’t say there have been any conflicts or dificulties because of religious or cultural differences, except the fact I think it just makes it harder to distinguish where the misunderstandings comes from when they do arise. The fact he doesn’t eat pork isn’t a deal breaker; as in any relationship, showing serious disrespect of who I am would be.
And I just called him, and he was busy. But he picked up. I wanted to wait for him to call me, but I was thinking of him, so I didn’t. Sometimes it’s not bad to make sure the person on earth checks out with the person in our heads. And if I can’t feel comfortable calling him when I want to, what kind of relationship is that?
I’m so afraid and nervous and jealous without even knowing if I have a reason to be. I miss him so much. And sometimes even I wonder if it’s all just because I want a boyfriend or timing or chance or wanderlust or who knows what?
The truth is, I have to let go of the life I planned to just live life and take it as it comes. It’s part of my personal religion to try to live it to the fullest, let the people you care about know, and be honest with myself in trying to follow the call of my dreams.
And maybe the reason I want to call him is because of my pretty good though not in Paris possibility of a job news. And I know he won’t want to influence me, and maybe we should keep our distance, but I want to be open and honest with him anyway. Maybe a small aprt of me wants to see how he reacts. I can’t say he’s not a small part of my desire to want to go back to Paris, but I can say he’s not all of it. He’s just proof that if you follow your dreams, you will find someone to come along for a while even in the most unexpected places. I still dream of taking some more journeys with him though…Even though it seemed to come so easy and be so ordinary and who knows how many other people I could fall in love with, that doesn’t stop him from being special, irreplaceable.
I have to give up the life I’ve planned, and not give up hope, but give up a lot of my planning. I have to give up my expectations and double down in my faith in God, and in myself, to make the most of this wonderful world. It’s amazing how not doing something-planning, scheming, expecting- turns out to be the hardest thing to do. And even more surprising is that when you don’t force anything, God is right there to just GIVE you everything.