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It’s amazing how hard it is to do things that are really actually very simple when you don’t want to do them, or don’t know WHY you are doing them, but *should*/need/MUST do them anyway.

It’s procrastination, sure, but with some kind of self-preservation in mind. Maybe even that of the higher Self.

But here I am, not changing my life circumstances, and trying not to lose my personal integrity, though I think I’m in need of a bit of an attitude adjustment, and maybe a little more sunshine though I tried to spend a lot of yesterday outside.

I never used to feel this dread, of doing the petty necessaries. I mean, sure I’m no angel and I’ve always procrastinated, but I’ve never been so riven with self-doubt, just split open and skewered on my own evolving worldview, and morals that have, like icebergs awaiting the titanic, made it harder to get through the sea of rationalizing my life away. Those cold seas. How I long for warmer days, and some dry land, when the beach was a fun and restful place and everything was friendlier, if idler.

Whether I’ve been a total curmudgeon up to this point in my life, and all of what I valued was as so much dross, it is of value to hold up to one’s commitments, and to just soldier on and get that MBA. It’s true, I did that because I couldn’t thik of anything better to do, and at this point, I still mre or less agree with the sentiment.

But I do want something better to do.

I think all of this picking a career, quarter life crisis crap is really just wanting a sense of vocation for our lives. A calling. A real, true desire, if not from “on high” then at least from our deepest, purest depths if such a thing as a self can be said to exist. And yes, I do believe in God, as more than just a big Santa in the sky, and i do think that somehow that good old moral law within me has something to say. Even if it doesn’t always make sense, or mazimize utility.

Oh la.

And I do, secretly, think there’s something better on the other side. I don’t think it will be a total waste at all to have come to business school, and I don’t think that all the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had as a direct result of it were not for some kind of reason, and I’ve learned a lot- including the fact that I secretly don’t like “business” as I currently understand it, and the people that do seem to have something very different in mind. Not sure who’s right, I’m sure there’s some philosophical or linguistic term for all that confusion about defintions.

But fulfillment and reason are not likely to go all that hand in hand. And many people will find the callings of the hard not so easy to understand. What up, I made a rhyme.

There’s those people who, when you tell them you think it would be fun to just enroll in a French lit course to stay in France for a year, ask, “why not do economy? It will be more useful,”

facepalm.

I don’t think it’s just about sucking it up and not asking why to get through those day to day grinding sensations, or to believe that someday, where happy little bluebirds fly above the rainbow [then why o why can’t I] but I do think it’s ok, sometimes, to just like, be patient maybe. Or believe there’s something to be learned in all fo this, and it’s not a punishment you brought on yourself by getting your MBA and not signing up for the peacecorps. That maybe you are being led to something better, somehow, if only an understanding, however painful, that that vision fo life you’ve been counting on just isn’t going to work anymore.

Maybe you’ll stop bursting into spontaneous tears when you think too much when that grieving process is over.

And maybe it is norml for most people to secretly hate their lives and do nothing about it and be happy on the outside, but maybe you can get past this hurdle and not have to go on living your life like that anyway.

So many people want a vocation, but they don’t want to actually do something thqt is going to be hard and not immediately result in gumdrops falling from the sky and fans falling all over you. Most people don’t want to find their passion- they want to find a lucrative, prestigious, and easy job they won’t have to hate themselves for doing. For most people, the vision of happiness that will never be realized is simply that.

But you and I know, yes, we know, that even if a few tears are shed along the way, what we are called to is so much better than that, that even the tears are sweet.

The salt, the bitter that I’m going through now will soon be over as I stop trying futilely to get blood from a turnip but figure out how to make soup from a stone as the russian folktale would have it.

Not sure what the lesson is, or the big why, or what will make it all make sense-

But I’ve got to trust anyway. Not just to keep going on, or avoid becoming a nihilist (but certainly to avoid that), but because belief in what is unseen is the esence of all those moral and spiritual struggles. THe only way out is through when the thorns are pricking you- find the rose within.

Love,

MJ

 

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