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I just got done taking my accounting final online. I failed both parts of it miserably. I just got my curve adjusted grade (beauty of an online forum where the teacher doesn’t have to do anything) and it is in the high D range. There’s a lot of Cs in the class, and low Bs, but not too many in that category. There’s still a chance to improve in one category.

I guess it should also be said that the professor has been pretty horrible, including calling people dumb who come to him for help (which I haven’t), and basically doing nothing but assigning automated homework, quizzes, and tests and providing a little, not so helpful commentary on the case study we were assignment.

My classmates, for the most part, do not find themselves in the situation that I do. They have risen above these circumstances, employed their time and energy effectively, and at least passed.

In terms of effort, if you count the effort my tortured soul has to exert to get through the day sometimes (not unlike others), I’ve put in a fair amount. I’ve been a bit blocked though, and had a lot of other things competing for my time and attention. Not to mention some deep existential questions, trying to figure out the next stage of my life, and questioning my decision to come to business school.

Well, I’ve created this situation, however intentionally or unintentionally. I take full responsibility for my actions.  I will try to resolve the situation however I can, and I need to keep my scholarship to continue with the program.

But wow, I’m shocked at how calm I feel, and how much I genuinely don’t care. My self concept isn’t that rattled- I didn’t have plans to become an accountant- and I know that whatever happens, I’ll figure it out.  I hope I won’t have to leave business school, but even if I have to, I’ll be fine.

Thank you, education professional for whom I have little respect. Thank you, existential depression amidst the busiest schedule I’ve had since my high school overachiever days. And thank you, Steve Jobs and all you real business icons who make doing well in school just not seem so cool.

Thank you life, for showing me who I am.

For better or for worse? for richer or poorer?

No, just the way I am. And trying to be the person that I’ve been created, and called, to be. Whoever that is, figuring it out as I go along.

And knowing that is more than enough. That in my own way, I am wonderful, if not in accounting. And believing that God works in mysterious ways, and I probably should have tried harder in accounting. And that if this is what stops me from being an MBA, I don’t know if it was right for me anyhow. And if failing this exam happens to be the worst mistake of my life and I regret its long term and devastating impacts on my career forever, I will get through it, and love my self anyway, and go on to do something that is somehow better.  For the moment, it would probably be good to stay on the educational track I’m on though.

Dear Lord, help me.

A blessing in disguise: Failing in accounting helped me realize my true worth.