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I just want to be happy.

Now, I have a good sense of what kind of external conditions might be helpful, and there’s one particular place I would like to be.

But I will never get to happy if I don’t give up some of my worst bad habits. I’m not talking about eating too much and being disorganized, I’m talking about the really nasty ones:

Self-loathing

Thinking I’ll never be good enough

Despair that I have no control over what happens to me

Never being satisfied with my efforts

Hating myself for wanting what I want

Wishing I was a different person

Seeing only my <blackheads, flub, etc> and hating myself for being human, and imperfect

Never being productive enough

Comparing myself ceaselessly to other people

Judging everything I do harshly

 

Now, I don’t want to go on some kind of pity party, and excuse everything that is not as I would like it in my life on the basis of low self esteem.  A lot of time, these feelings ironically aren’t a part of my inner dialogue- sometimes I get over it after all. But more often than not, they are fears humming in the background, giving me a headache that never quite goes away and making me launche myself into all kinds of \unhealthy distractions that only affirm my negative thoughts.

While some decisions I make on what to do with myself may make me happier or sadder, the way I treat myself is what’s going to make the real difference. Wherever you go there you are. Even if someday I have tha great job, it won’t be good enough. I’l lhave an awesome boyfriend, but never really believe he loves me or worry that  I “settled” if he does. I’ll have many tlaents, but lament the one thing I don’t’ do well. I’ll have an awesome family and great friends, and pine after the one person who’s just not part of my life anymore. I’ll have seen every country in the world, but hate myself for not staying at home like I was suposed. I’ll stay at home, and then hate myself for not doing what I really wanted to do.

It’s a harder knox life than it needs to be, and while I’m going through a tough time, 98% of the suffering is in my own mind, and how many calming walks I take, or even if I take the whole day off, get myself a massage and a nice meal and even some bubble tea, the anxiety doesn’t go away.

Because they’re right, I am too hard on myself.

I’m afraid to sto being too hard on myself because without that, how am I supposed to achieve?  I still have some things to do and have to make some effort on my own behalf.

How am I supposed to be special if I don’t try so hard?

What if I like myself and I gain a hundred pounds and drop out of school?!? What then?

What if being happy means that I’ll have to give up some of the standards that don’t come from within and have ot give up the veneer of being accomplished for the vulnerabilty of being my true self?

What if being happy means I won’t live up to my full “potential”?

Well, I need to need to need to get this under control, or rather, let a few things be out of my control, but give compassion to myself (as well as everyone I meet). Maybe that’s the main discipline I need right now, and that will make everything I want to do that much easier, because I won’t have to beat myself up during every minute of before doing and after, and I can finally just trust enjoy and be true to myself.

Namaste,

MJ

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