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Well, now that I’ve just admitted how secretly unhappy I feel much of the time, I guess the time comes to examine a solution. And the solution is all about extending myself compassion.

I finally noticed the futility of the desire to be an Ozymandias, whose statue stands forgotten among the desolation of a lost civilization, appearing not romantic, but a symbol of futility, the vanity of the human progress.

I also realized that all the pressures I feel to excel have always come from within- from a deep insecurity that nothing can seem to abate, and that require more and more pounds of flesh just to be satisfied. before it was a certain degree, then it will be  a certain salary level or paygrade, taking years off my life in both the pursuit and in the worry I won’t get there, and the inevitable depression when I fail to hit some sky high superhuman (or just not me) target.

I think the solution lies in doing things for no real purpose. Or rather, doing them because I think they are useful, and therefore am honoring myself and its genuine feelings.

La vie n’a pas besoin d’une but, elle est une but elle-meme.

So long ago I heard those words: Life doesn’t need purpose, it is a purpose in itself.

The cure for ambition is not to let myself fail, just as for an anorexic, the cure is not to become obese. Just letting things get beyond “perfect” or “acceptable” is not enough to make me feel “enough” no matter what. If you are miserable when you don’t get what you want, that won’t exactly cure you of wanting.

But is there some way you can strive and retain your soul’s grace? Is there a way to live without fear, to win without worrying about losing? Is there a way to be motivated beyond the fear that I’ll just never be good enough, and that without X, Y, or Z, my life will be incomplete.

Sad to say, but one of my dearest wishes is being turned into one of these winner take all, loser fall into a black depression. And the fact I don’t really believe in myself is a huge hindrance. So I just have to find some kind of sweet spot.

I think the cure for ambition lies within. There is no thing I can do to ease it, there’s no magic words that will make it feel better, and no one else can really make me feel like eough.

Nope, I have to do that all by myself, without the help of trophies or grades or titles.

The dark side of Ambition has poisoned so many of my favorite pursuits and really been a hindrance, not a help, in leading a full life.

I hope that someday soon, I’ll wake up and know that I’m enough. I hope that I’ll go through my whole day, and make a game of trying at the things I kind of have to do, and enjoy the things that I want to do. I hope I will pursue my dreams without fear, and love without needing someone else to fill me with confidence.

 

Yes, that would be happiness indeed.

Love,

MJ

 

 

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