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Sometimes I think the unhealthy dynamics in the relationship between myself and others are based on things that didn’t go well on the past that I just never got over.

For the guy that told me I dwarfed him, I beef up now and wonder if my new guy will still like me.

For the girl that needed to get straight As and be the best at everything, I fear to put in my full efforts, and call that accepting mediocrity. Nothing I do will be good enough, so sometimes I fear too much to try.

Because I feel like someone gave me too much long ago, I make myself the giver and have trouble accepting things now.

Because I’m still trying to live up to various ideals of perfection- from the age of 13 to 20 to 22 and beyond- I can’t quite see what I want my future to be now.

I haven’t followed through, haven’t stayed the course with things I tried in the past, and now I despair to dream new dreams thinking nothing will bring satisfaction or I just won’t be able to stick with it.

There’s a lot of arguments with ghosts in my head, with people and places and situations that are no longer there. There are wounds that healed over but never really healed, there are places that are still so tender to the touch, there are scars I’d rather not see but I feel like they’re tatooed on my face.

And it’s hard to feel this depressed. I thought I was just lazy, and then I remained that I didn’t always feel like this.

I am getting professional help, and people in my life know I’ve been a little down. I’m hoping the cloud lifts soon, and I’ll finally forgive myself.

Namaste,

MJ

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