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I love the Phillip Philliips song Home. Who doesn’t?

And how could it be any more appropriate, seeing as I’ve moved like 5 times in the past year, and if all goes well, I’ll be skipping continents again but for hopefully a longer (but not permanent) interlude?

I feel so much resistance to where I am sometimes, and just the currents that seem to pull me.

This life doesn’t look anything like I thought I would. Most of the time, I don’t even want the things I thought I’d want. In fact, the things I want the most at this moment were exactly the things I hoped for (at least in my conscious mind) least.

I’m scared silly all the time. I don’t KNOW anything, yet I’m getting more comfortable with not knowing. Security and certainty and being stuck doesn’t seem to be synonymous anymore. I’m learning to roll with the punches, much as I’ve tried to overcome them, delude myself that they’re not happening, and when all else fails, keep getting pummeled rather than move.

It’s hard to know when to hold and when to fold. And when fear is leading you away from something that really would hurt, or keeping you from the thing that would help the most.

I’m afraid all the time.  Of things too numerous to count. Sometimes the anxiety paralyzes me, and sometimes I just rebel in the stupidest of was. I eat too much, I procrastinate, I do anything to drag my feet. I don’t want to go to someplace that is completely new, yet I know I’ve got to do something new because nothing else has failed to satisfy.

I met a stranger, he become my lover, and maybe I’ll actually grow to love him.

Which is totally ridiculous because I want to have my whole self all set and complete and immutable so no one can change or influence my development in anyway and I can be my truest self possible.

Bullshit. I just don’t want to deal with the pain of a breakup again. I want to know he’s Prince Charming before I’ll even try on the glass slipper to go to the ball. I want to know he’ll never hurt or disappoint me and we are fully compatible and he conforms to my every will before feeling this way. Yet feel this way I do- I really like him.

And in terms of my career, it seems to actually be taking shape, if entirely differently than the shape I wanted to giv eit. I still dream up grand scheme sand try to figure out how I can mix nobility and profit, and try to explain all my angst as not following my most wild and crazy and not even thant strong dreams. I try to say that I was too ambitious (which I was) and I didn’t listne to my heart, whic h I didn’t, which is why I’m in the pickle I’m in now, dragging every atom of myself along, and barely moving, yet somehow getting to a place I never intended to go.

It’s so hard to let go of who I thought I was. It’s so hard to admit Ubermenche though I may be I’m caught up in the sweep of history and tring to make choices that are wise long term. I’m trying to follow my dreams and yet not be a fool. yet my dremas need some firepower behind them, and elbow grease. Too vaguely formed of ideas to even know the first tstep, and then to get easily disauded when I think about th estdifficulties and penalties I would assume, and the fact that you know what I may not even like it anyway. And then I have a new dream the next day, and then I go through the same cycle of releasing it’s not quite it.

And I hate myself a littl ebit for not like sticking ot my guns and doing exactly the kind of job I always wanted and not even caring anymore. Sure, I do care, but I just need something that will give me skills. And something where critical thinking is encouraged. Which, whether in academia, non profit, NGO, or the private sector, is not always encouraged. Organizations suck, but there are politics of being an entrepreneur or consultant or a humble English teacher earning her daily bread too.

Yes, I was happy and carefree, but I wanted a new challenge. Because taht’s the way I am. Alwyas gonna be another moutain and always gonna wanna make it move as Miley says.

Nothing will teach you more about themeaning of life than an accelerated business degree. It’s not sex,if you were wondering. Quite busy and no, it’s not even that. It’s not money either, or having enough money either. That’s definitely not why people do what they do. I think it’s something about trying to preserve your humanity and individuality in a world of machines, or trying to realize your visions, or trying to balance altruism against selfishness and self preservation instincts, and making the most of your God given talents in areas where people will actually compensate you for them. In other words, I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’ve given it a lot of thhought in a plac ewhere it’s not always that easy or hip to be a “silly humanities major, ethics are for kids,” implicit environment. Is it really eat or be eaten? I’m skeptical, but one thing is for certain: I do want to eat, and I don’t want to eat my heart out to do it.

I do know that the way I’m going is untenable. I can’t live with this degree of constant self effacement, hating all fo my choices and myself for makig them even though I can’t figure out a better way, second guessing pretty much every value I’ve ever held, and letting so much other stuff go, as in, gaining like 15 pounds. I wasn’t thin to start with, but at least I was healthier and now a lot of my clothes aren’t fitting. Also I ended up spending more than I realized, nothing has quite gone as expected, and I just am not the same person in grad school than I was in college. And you know what? That jar of delicious speculoos paste doesn’t even make me feel better at the end of the day, and the litany of excuses even I don’t buy for everything I’m doing wrong in my life just doesn’t cut it either. I think that self compassion is something you feel, and I’m trying very hard to feel it now. So I can accept what is and move on with my life.

Sometimes I want to do something anti business school, or just prove my moral superiority by doing something I know is kinda dumb and don’t even want to do, so I can show my disdain for it all, and screw myself in the process since I’m the one who made this decision anyway, contextual factors notwithstanding. And you know what? I think I actually foud a class I like after like 8 months of more or less non stop accelerated courses.

Wow, this is my life. Life is tough, whatever your situation is. Even if I was back teaching English for 12 hours a week, I would be struggling with boredom and loneliness and isolation. Now I’ve got a lot of great stuff going, it’s just the getting myself ot do the work thing that seems a problem. WHo am I? I never seemed to think that way before- am I wiser or less so? Certainly less conformity, certainly in a diffierant position, and certainly certainly going to get you to ask eme out again 😉

Well, that’s about it for now in terms of the interir voyage.

Rumi says not to seek love but to morely overcome all the barriers in your heart. But true, God is there, in his way, all the time. Lie is hard- but it’s worth it.

Yeah, this whole livng on a dream thing. Secretly feel like I ‘m crazy, and other times just, WOW!

Anyway, good night and good bless@ Thank you for your support.

 

Love,

MJ

 

 

 

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