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I am reinventing myself, whether I like it or not.

I am letting my old life catch it fire, and it’s with both dread and trepidation that I watch it burn.

I’m trying to figure out who I am. I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life, and what makes me happy. To survive and thrive. I’m also looking for a job.

I’m studying business in a tri continent program- N America, Europe, and Asia. I’m about to go to Asia. Lucky duck, I know.

Apparently I’ve also been spending a year studying the meaning of life, at least at business is translated into Chinese characters which I learned from this business/philosophy: http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Business-Footsteps-Giants/dp/0975427717#reader_0975427717

I’m still not quite sure what business is. Sometimes it feels like doing selfish short term things while wearing a suit and jumping off a cliff with the rest of the lemmings. Sometimes it feels like a brave dream. Sometimes it just feels like a mountain of stuff to do, and I always do it even though I just have such a hard time doing it.

Nothing in my life has gotten me to this point. I guess I’ve lead a fairly sheltered life, but I have done some hard things. I always liked school before (ehh), I always never procrastinated (lies), I always had it together (not), and I always tried to be a good and altruistic person, and now I feel even guiltier than usual. I might actually make the most of my partially genetic, partially environmental good fortune and make a healthy income in accordance with the investment I’ve made coming here, rather than taking the most impractical philanthropic non profity job I’d secretly want to want to take, but don’t really because that would probably end up being boring too.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, thing sthat could write a book and others that could well, just be kept to myself.

I’m procrastinating right now, because even after the weekend, I felt like I needed to recover.

The more I earn this credential shared by so many so-called Masters of the Universe, the more powerless I feel sometimes, and the rawer the struggle for survival. Other times I just say f** it and pout and isolate myself. And sometimes I actually do really good work, and think this wasn’t such a horrible soul sucking decision after all.

I don’t really know what to make of all this. It seems some of these efforts might begin to bear fruit in hopes of a JOB.

It also seems like I’m really not going to be a kid anymore, I really might be a self supporting adult with a career- track job, and who knows, maybe I’ll even be in a real relationship as my life becomes slightly more stable.

Right now I’m living a life I never came close to imagining, and that scares and overwhelms me. I really don’t know what I want, except that this seems so far from what I always wanted. And maybe that’s a good thing, because I wouldn’t have gotten to this point if I still wanted what I always wanted, maybe I didn’t want it that much.

Or maybe we are not all 100% masters of our destinies, hard as it might be to admit.

I don’t know who I am, what box I fit in. It’s hard to pick a category, it’s hard to decide whether I’ve exceeded all expectations or fallen so short of my dreams. Or dreamed a new dream.

But for better or worse, I know myself, and that’s worth a lot. I’m even starting to really accept myself, and I think that’s what’s going to be the key in the future, not some JOB or even a piece of paper that says MBA. No more than any other piece of paper could have made me happpy, unless it was a Rumi poem to read on the subway on the way to Valuation of the Firm. Such is life, right?

Do I trust myself? Getting there too, little by little. I’m no  more full of s*** than anybody around, and while I may not be getting it perfectly right the first time, everytime, I’m getting there little by little.

And I’m gonna make it, and have so much to offer when I get there.

I don’t have a plan, not in the way most people try to do it, but I have a heart. Good enough, right?

Sometimes I just want to go teach ENglish in Thailand or Russia, or join the Peace Corps or Teach for America. But I’m here, and I’m not lined up to do any one of those things. I couldn’t pick one, because I don’t really want to do it, noble and altruistic as they might be.

Who am I? A woman not in search of herself, or her place. A woman who is finding something she never expected. A woman falling in love.

A woman, not a girl.

A woman and a girl.

A woman who will one day grow and change, and maybe even have the privilege of growing old.

A woman who will have the same body tomorrow but could bea whole new person. Or not so much.

A crazy person who’s not going to run away from what she wants.

A human being, growing and changing and trying to get along. An individual just like th erest of us.

Pray for me, I’m praying for you.

I wanted to save the world, I tried to perfect myself and no matter what I accomplished I failed, nothing was ever good enough.

Now, I want to take care of myself. I’m beginning to have a pretty clear notion of what that might take, and belief I can really do it. And maybe offering just my own silly self to the world is enough after all, and it’s ok to want to prosper. I can’t foreclose on my own identity by serving others, pleasing my parents, doing the practical thing, or following the money. I just have to listen, beat, beat, to my heart.

My heart says: You made the right decision. You will make many more ones. You’ll be fine.

My head says, usually : oi[aosit’aowig oiew23%(#)$(%)$(U%

I think I’ll figure things out anyway. I don’t have a plan- it’s more fun that way.

But that’s not going to stop be from being a real person.

Self actualization, here I am! and here I’m coming!

 

Namaste and love,

MJ

 

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