Things have not turned out anything like I planned. My dreams don’t look the same at all, either, which seems even stranger. Who am I?
Over the past year, a lot of my beliefs about myself and the way life is have been challenged. Instead of staying in hazy, dreaming “I don’t know what I want,” where I don’t have to make any choices or acknowledge that the world doesn’t look quite like I thought I did, I had to confront those chiseled out idols, and toss them down.
I made compromises, I made sacrifices. Not for the life I longed to live, but the life I live now, and which, despite its bumps and bruises, I am fighting to not only preserve, but make the most of.
I have to give up on perfection- the perfect job, man, location, career, and, most importantly self.
I had to give up on being all things, on my infinite “potential,” to see myself as I truly am, and accept it. And little by little, love and forgive when necessary.
I had to give up my fantasies of what is best and optimal, and my angst over not being able to define it, and achieve see what was in front of me. A bounteous meal, with amazing companions, and maybe even someone to love.
Right now, I’m at a point in my life where I’m aware I can’t even come close to predicting the future, and, much as I am quite powerful in choosing my destiny, I can’t control it. I am humbler than I’ve ever been. I’ve reached lows I’ve never reached. I’ve been through the mill and never thought something would break me down this far. But you know what I’m ready to give up the ruins of my castles built on sand, and build something real, on solid ground, with firm foundations. I think that’s a better way of reaching those true castles in the air.
I had to stop feeling guilty about who I actually am, and give up on the person I thought/think I should be. That’s just not me. I am capable of a great many things, but perfection is not one of them, and there are some elements of my ideal I may never attain. And that’s ok.
But somehow, even though I don’t have a job, even though I could stand to lose some weight gained throughout this ordeal (and from before that), even though my friends are not the type of people I thought they’d be, even though the guy I like and might even learn to love is nothing like what I pictured for myself, even though I haven’t found any mould I fit squarely into, even though I fell in love with a city far from what was supposed to be my homebase, even though I still don’t know exactly what I want–
I am happy. Thank you, God.
Love and namaste,