So I talked to the dude I’ve been crushing on and off of for like, two whole years now or so. Had a little life chat with him, he didn’t respond to my messages right away (he has a habit of doing that- not sure whether to take it personally) and basically uncovered he’s in no rush whatsoever to settle downa nd have a family. Which is fine, and when I went back over the messages it seemed even slightly less nonchalant.
I thought to myself for amoment though, maybe we don’t want the same things.
Maybe this guy, who I’ve believed is perfect or something close for me, and I aren’t really right for each other, or maybe not right for each other right now.
Maybe my happy ending is still another ten years away, or worse, will never come.
Maybe I’ll never be able to get over this guy by dating him and justify all the time I’ve spent worrying about him and me and if it could ever happen by having something actually happen.
Maybe all of the overanalyzing and obsessing and secretly knowing deep down that I’m not alone in still having feelings towards him won’t ever be borne out by clear evidence and I’ll just count this as one more indication I’ll never find love
I don’t need a happy ending with him to be happy.
In fact, I don’t need a PhD, fancy job, or anything in particular except to be living in accordance iwth my values.
Having all those things won’t necessarily bring me happiness, but being myself, and the process of creating my life authentically, will.
Every time I compare myself to someone else, every time I put myself down, every day I wish I was someone else and had lived a different life, that’s a real impediment.
But the outcome of this romance, no matter how meaningful it was for me, is not going to shape the meaning or the happiness of my life. I am in charge.
Not to say I’m not vulnerable, not to say other people, especially special ones, don’t matter.
I just need to be happy, now. The times in my life I was most happy I wasn’t worried about the future because I realized how awesome my present was; I wasn’t inventing some crazy ambitious future to justify my horrible present; I wasn’t chowing down on junk food and self loathing in order to distract myself from my reality; and I wasn’t defining myself based off some guy.
I just need to be happy, right now. No thing, no body, no relationship, no child, nothing is going to give me happiness, or save me from myself; not even a change of scenery can do it.
I have to change the scenery in my mind and just let myself be happy.
Let my life be a laboratory; forgive myself my mistakes; let myself figure things out; trust the process, and enjoy my life, because above all, it’s MY life.
I’m not going to lie, I still want a happy ending, of some kind.
What is most important though, is that I find happiness within myself.
Love, acceptance, thoughtfulness, kindness, compassion- I can give myself those gifts. More precious than flowers, and without them, flowers are just another object of overanalysis.
Without self love, everything else loses its freshness.
And happiness, well, isn’t that at least a little bit, what life is for?