This is a battle I’ve fought many times before, and, being only human, I don’t know if I can ever 100% win. Where your dragons lie, there is your treasure or somethig like that. There’s a huge difference between self-doubt and humility but we all have to acknowledge the shadow.
This fight is going to take everything I’ve got. And yet I can’t move forward without validating my life. Every time I get praise or validation from someone else, it is like getting an injection of opium. I just lose sense of self so easily, and we al want to be liberated from self, yet we all want to be free to be me.
That is my real problem, underneath the weight and the job search and the love search and everything else. Underneath the messiness and the self-sabotaging careless errors, underneath having the extra cookie, underneath pushing that thing just a little too far.
It’s not quite a Nietschean create your own values thing, but it comes close. To say Yes, to who you are, to yourself, to not turn back or avert your eyes from all you are and all you really want to be.
Every now and then something crazy happens, and the dragon that is me just pushes that darkness back. I live for those moments. It is so dramatic, so spontaneous, so in the moment. Not always escapist or defeatist, just those moments where I say, “ROAR” like Katy Perry.
I need to have more of those moments. Maybe I could do meditation, maybe I could do self-affirmations, maybe I could just admit I don’t suck that much.
I want to make my life one long, gut wrenching, heart pounding, courageous, true ROAR.