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All our most meticulous plans come to dust, but this is what I’ve got cooking right now.

I want to live in America because I don’t want wanderlust to define my life. I want to live in America because I want to have deeper roots to come back to the next time I live abroad.

I want to live in America because I know that happiness is not simply out there somewhere. Because I want to build a life I don’t want to escape from near where my family is, because I know relationships are important. Because I want deep roots in a place which will always be my first and truest home.

I know this could be total bullshit, that tomorrow I might be n the next plane to Paris.

But I don’t want my life to be defined by fear of staying somewhere- with one place, with the same people, and always looking for a radical overhaul rather than internal transformation.

France is my second home, and I will always miss it. But maybe I don’t want to associate it with broken dreams and the little disillusionments of early adulthood. Maybe I genuinely want to build my career rather than check out prematurely with a job I don’t care that much about just so I can live in Paris.

I’m also very tired of being alone. Being alone abroad is wonderful and terrible. I know there are moments I’ll be alone and lonely here, but I know that in this country whose spirit I hope to imbue in my children, there is family and there is something like forever.

The shifting sands of time may have me eating my words.

I want to live in America because I want my life to be a little bit easier.

I want to live in America because I am tired of making new friends in new cities.

I want to live in America because I want to see my years of hard work play out in a good job in a city that I love, despite the fact that it’s not Paris.

The truth is, happiness resides within, so I am almost indifferent. Like I said, I’m tired, and I don’t really want to go live in Asia, and if I were to live anywhere in the world, I’d hope it would be France, or London at the outside.But who knows.

Though the best laid plans of mice and men come to dust, we have to keep on trying. We can’t always just wait for life to happen to us without making an effort, and when it does we will be doubly grateful.

My life has not turned out the way I expected in many ways, but it’s been more beautiful. I have questioned my idea of success, and now it’s time to let go of the idea that I am in any way a failure. I am a human, and making mistakes, or rather experimenting, is simply part of what we do. I don’t want to waste another minute harshly judging myself and putting me down when I could be disciplined, detached, and even compassionate in order to move forward instead.

I’m planning to stay in American until life has other plans because I think it would be best and easiest for me. Because it is a hypothesis worth testing.

And that’s enough.

 

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