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fullfillment is here, now.

It is in unemployment and lazy Saturdays, watching some tv even though its a beautiful day outside. It is in spending time with family, and simple, unearned pleasure.

It’s not always winning the race, or travel to an exotic land.

It’s not some perfect world, just a few doors down, some destiny you missed because of your mistakes and all that you didn’t know then that you know now.

No, it is right here, and that false nirvana you speak of, that delusional oasis of star crossed love and thrwarted distiny, does not exist.

But this does, whatever this is. And usually, this gives you a lot to be grateful for.

No, I’m not in Paris. No, I don’t have a job. No, I don’t have a boyfriend, and if I did have someone in my life I really cared for, my life would change, and maybe I wouldn’t even want to go to Paris anymore. Maybe I am losing my desire to go there now. I am changing, constantly in flux, and I really don’t know what tomorrow brings, when I’ll get a job, when I’ll move out, when I’ll pay my student loans back, when I’ll establish a social life, where I’ll live, when I’ll meet someone, or how my career will go.

I don’t know any of those things. And there are many things I want that I don’t have although, thankfully, I have all I need and more.

So happiness is here right now. Not in the distant goal line, not in the faraway fantasy island, or in the life I ‘should’  have been living.

Strange how you get nostalgic for things, like grocery shopping in the place where you used to live.

Stranger still how small, tiny things, like a Saturday evening with my family, one day won’t be there at least not in the same way. For good reasons, like me moving on and establishing an independent life and hopefully someday having my own family, and for inevitable reasons I really can’t even bare to think about.

And if today was my last day, which I hope it isn’t because life is beautiful if imperfect, and there are still so many adventures to have, even in Bridgewater, NJ, and so many people I love, even if I haven’t coupled with “the One” yet, it would still be awesome.

What a beautiful October day. This is never what I thought was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the end of the road that is right back where I started, though stronger, braver, truer, lovelier, kindler, gentler, and, finally, happy where I am.