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I feel like a pretty big part of my life has been a quest to figure out how I am and to figure out who I should become. And sometimes, overcoming the shock of who I’ve turned out to be.

I asked someone I love who’s not my boyfriend anymore what the meaning of life is. He said, it’s the meaning that you give it.

I’ve read tons of life purpose blogs, gone to yoga classes, and occasionally even meditated. I can’t tell you how many hills I’ve climbed, in such remote places, looking for myself.

It’s a lot like the song Wake Me Up by Avicii.

I don’t know where the journey will end, but I know how to start.

Wake me up whenit’s all over, when I’m wiser and I’m older,

All this time I’ve been finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.

Some part of me knows it’s sad to want to sleep through your life, to just wake up for the happy ending. And a lot of times, I’m sad it doesn’t work that way, because there just seems to be so much swamp to wade through. Bogged down doesn’t begin to describe how I feel. But it’s my life.

I met a wise man once and I resisted what he told me. he said that every age seems to him the best age, and that even though he’s known loss and sadness, he thinks his life is great, and he’s enjoying the ride, because it’s his life.

I wanted to hear that we do in the end get what we want. Especially if we are wise enough to ponder on it a lot.

But no, I don’t think that’s always how life works.

Another person I met said that you can ask your angels for something, and maybe they will give it to you, but you will find you aren’t prepared to receive it, and there’s other things you need too.

And most of my time I just berate myself internally for not having gone for the right things at the right time, for always feeling out of place, and for just thinking that without the right ending, I’ll never be good enough because I feel like a failure every step of the way to a goal that sometimes seems  less and less worth having.

I’ve been having a bunch of fights with a friend recently. He called me out on being negative and picking him apart, since I’ve adopted the American version of succes equals money and lifestyle and career and he doesn’t have those things but feels confident anyway, because he knows that he, like every other being is a miracle, and his philosophy nourishes him and makes him strong.  I realized how much I envied him, eventually apologized, and he just kept telling me I have so much potential and wisdom inside me, as does everyone, and yet I’m really truly special.

I’ve read some mystical poetry and subscribe to uplifting quotes and all.

The message seems pretty simple- everything is fine right now. Youa re special, and be hopeful.

Which is the opposite of what I tell myself everyday.

Wlell that’s enough of that.

To be sick of being sick is the only way to get well. Lao Tzu

So then I went to yoga practice, and the teacher intoned during deep relaxation:

Experience the peace within. This is your true nature.

And it is. It is not the bills you aren’t sure you haven’t paid, the mistakes that seem to pile up, the credentials or experience or know how yoou have or don’t, or even whether you have a special somebody to love you or not. It’s not about how many friends you have, what care you drive, where you went ot cchool, what your relgion is, what your intelligence is, how naturally gifted youare, how far you’ve “risen” above your circumstances, or how good shape you are in.

It’s not even about twho you treat people or even being good.

We are all children of God. Each of us is a unique contribution to he planet, and can only be viewed as such. When the time comes to judge, it won’t be by our standards.

I might want to win today and beat “them.” but more iportantly I want to be my szelf.

My real self.

The self I created, and am eternally finding, who bears a striking resmblance to who I was and even knhow I am now bu t is so much more than I ever could have bargained for.

And it’s not a bargain, not a race, not a beauty contest?

What is it?

Well, it’s up to you to decide.

That doesn’t mean it’s a ll about moral relatiivity or anything, but we can choose, and sometimes are chosen by the purposes of our lives.

What it means to be alive is different to each person, and the only way to live a meanifnul life is to live YOUR life.

And to realize how wonderful that is, how much you have to be grateful for, and nothng less than your wondrous Self. Your true nature of inner peace and light.