Note: it’s about finding a purpose as you walk, not about planning a step ahead what you’ll be there for.
In the past couple of weeks of looking for a job, deciding not to take my one way ticket to France cause I wasn’t sure how I could legally find work there, and evaluating the 25 years of my life so far, my mind has simply been stumped and I’ve felt frozen, emotionally, professionally, and in terms of my ambition, and like it took a day worth of effort just to make the smallest step.
I’ve been taking a little bit of a pause before the next leap, knowing that it will be an important one, much as I’ve felt like I have very little control. As I lament to myself usually a minimum of once per day, I’m afraid. I don’t know how I am going to pay for my expenses, don’t know where I am going to live, don’t know who I am going to meet, or who will be by my side. When will I find love, when will I find a job, and when will I summon up the willpower or whatever it is I need to drop the grad school weight? And also, when will I get back to France?
When will I get married? Will I find someone I will stay married to? When will I have a kid? Will I ever have time to do the things I’ve always kind of wanted to do, like get a PhD, take a few nice long backpacking trips, and just chil? Will I ever have the money to do the things I want, including being financially capable of having a family? Will I ever develop a marketable skill set that will support the lifestyle I want and enable me to live in a place I like?
Who will my real friends be?
And more importantly, who will I turn out to be? A failure or success? A capitalist fat cat or a worthless dreamer? A crazy hippie or a corporate sell out? Where can I exist in this world, and be happy, and thrive? What trade offs will I make? Do I have to just settle, as the world seems to keep on telling me sometimes, and then when I am ready to setle and perfectly glum but resolved, tells me not to?
Wow, that was a lot of worrying. And that doesn’t even begin to count the judgements, the character attacks, the endless analyzing of everything I have ever done wrong, and the things I feel guilty about, and the thing sthat kind of haunt me, if anything because when push came to shove I held different ideals then I thought I did or just caved when it came down to it. ANd I just feel so scared shitless and completely paranoid about making the same fear-based “mistakes,” again, but want to live in the real world wherever that is so people don’t make fun of me and I can finally take myself seriously.
Feels kind of good to let that out.
I’ve realized that freedom is within. I’ve realized that I am the only one who has to live with my life. I’ve realized that I have more to bring to the table than I ever really recognized, and as much as I often feel the need to deny it, I really am speciail. I recognize all teh seemig contradiictions within myself. And perhaps most important, I recognize just how crazy I am, and how much I have a right to that kind of crazy. And I’m ready to let the things, people, and goals go that don’t roll with that.
I think I’m finally ready to be myself, without fear or shame. Still not always sure who that is, but at this point it’s only because my fears are stifling here. Doays of wishing you were someone els ehave not served me well at all. I think the time has come where I really have to be honest.
And the truth is, I think leaving France might have been a mistake. I was very conte nt there. From a money standpoint, it just didn’t amke sense, and I knew I needed to see Asia in all it’s wonder becfore really being willing ot settle I think.
Someimes I feel it was a mistake not to have been a teacher, or to just have cashed all my chips in and gone for that PhD in poli sci. But the truth is I don’t know if I would be any happier for that and not even sure I would be that much richer for the experience.
And I guess that’s what I”m learning that it’s all about the richness of the experience. I’m looking forward to getting a job an dearning some actualy richnes in accordance with my contribution to things However, when it comes down to it, where I really think I’ll be of value is a few years down the road, where I”ve taken a few different angles on life and I can prepare people for the world they are going to enter because I have known in myself, first hand. I still do want to be a teacher, and I’m still feeling my way around my subject.
I’m coming to grips with who I am beyond the labels, spiritual and otherwise. Althoguh the Roman Catholic Church is a really important part of my life and I strive to live up to its core doctrines and continue to practice my faith however imperfectlyh, I am more than just that way to God. I might think my way is best but I am not God to say others are so much less, unless they contradict the core of what we know about existence: love.
I’m also letting go of guy swho have left me feeling unloved. Maybe it was the circumstances, timing or whatever out of my control, but I really want to be with someone who palpably, tactily likes me and would have no problem showing or saying he loves me, in word and deed.
And o, I want to really b e enthralled with thsi person too.
I know that my life is getting richer by the day, regardless of being currently in central New Jersey, not quite a world known aosis of art and cutlure, but still, more than good enough to call home for now where my family lives. it’s not a bad place at all.
I am happier than I expected, and more content. It’s also taken a while longer to “snap out of,” my existential depression/negative thoughts/quarter life crisis. The truth is, I am just sick of all that and eage rto move on.
What I have learned is that I have to work on my mind, first and foremost. Not just in the sense of continuing to read and e elearnign, but to learn how not to identitfy with my branin and heal my life by connecting to the truth.
I guess that’s about all I have to say for now. Kind of like not knowing what’s next, but it also seems perfectly normal to be as stressed as I am since I am young and have seen some things I guess.
And that’s a really important thing- to just be happy sometimes, for no reason.