Two things have made it hard for me to get in touch with my soul and admit my true yearnings.
One being my family, and the guilt I feel over leaving them particularly when my mother is not in the best of health
And the second being the fear I will never meet someone compatible if I keep on the move all the time and living in faraway lands where I’m less likely to meet someone with a similar background, which eHarmony and my parents and every proverb of all time seem to agree is a major predictor of whether a relationship and marriage will be happy and successful.
But now I finally realize that if I’m not following my path out of fear, then I’m not being true to myself.
And if I’m not being true to myself, then I won’t find true love, no matter how seemingly propicious my location.
Sure, if I met the right person who altered my life, then at some point we would choose to make our way in the world together and things would be a little different.
But until then, I can’t plan my life for someone I haven’t met yet. And sacrificing who I am and what I most want is not going to help me find “the ONe,”
And as far as finding the one, I think that is the most damaging myth for all involved.
I’m not married, but I’ve been in love.
I wouldn’t take back those experiences in order to have met my husband and been “spared” all the heartache that comes with not finding the right person and eventually having to let them go.
And perhaps most heart wrenchingly, if I loved someone and they loved me, even if we had every intention of branching our paths and going in different directions, I wouldn’t say no to that either. In fact, I haven’t, much as I’ve been suffering from guilt and cognitive dissonance over “not being fully available for the right person,” and getting into something “futile,” because I “know” it will end before it starts.
No, meeting the right person is not going to solve all my problems. In fact, it will create new ones.
The only thing that’s going to bring me fulfillment is allowing me to stumble, dart, run, stroll tra la la along my own path.
It’s not about finding the perfect job, the perfect mate, the perfect location.
In fact, it has nothing to do with perfection, or anything outside of yourself or thereby out of your control.
It just means you sya yes, even when your head and your heart aren’t in the same place.
It means you accept the life that is yours and yours alone, and you stop trying to follow “best practices,” and berating yourself for not “optimizing” your journey.
The only GPS we have is inside us, in our hearts. No amount of money, power, friends or even love can get us there.
Some will help point you on the path, but only you can walk it.
ANd it’s not always a wonderful Disney magic filled journey complete with food stands and consumerist crapola and all your expectations being fulfilled every step of the way.
No, it’s actually much harder to live authentically, but the ennui and depression you feel if you don’t are a fate worse than death.
When I think of the future now, I just think of a giant blank space hopefully filled with France, love, travel, friends, and unforgetabble awestruck moments, and maybe a little worldly success too that is in keeping with the pathI was meant to walk.
So this is me “‘giving up” on forcing love into my life. This is me giving up on making my life in anything but the image of the mysterious Creator he/she wants to imprint it with.
This is me letting go, and letting love come out of me rather than looking for it outside of me.
The Grail Quest is a hard one, but it’s the journey that’s the meaning of life 😉