Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

He says, “If I had a family like yours, I would never want to leave.”

I should never want to leave. As I’ve long suspected, my love of travel is some sort of psychosis, a fear of commitment, something that shows I’m maladjusted and warped.

He says, “If I could get a job in NYC, I would never go back to Paris.”

What is wrong with me? My parents live within commuting distance of New York but I LOVE PARIS AND IT IS MY DEEPEST DESIRE TO LIVE THERE!

He loves sports.

I’m abnormal, since the last thing I would do is watch sports. But hey, I can read a book on the couch while he watches, right?

He loves dogs.

Yeah, I know there’s something wrong with me that I’m not obsessed with pets. Liking babies more and not really being interested in pets that much is just a sign I’m a little too Holly Homemaker and not cool and chill and happy with a pet.

He has douchebag friends and seems popular.

I’m just not cool enough. I know he secretly digs my inspirational quotes on Facebook but I should be more like him and actually fit in with people.

He plays games and doesn’t always respond to my texts and other messages.

Yeah, I know I’m overeager. I should have just played “The Rules,” like Mom said and let him text me first. I should be the woman in the relationship. Why is he the one all hot and cold?

He doesn’t make plans.

Yeah, I should just care less and be more of a free spirit.

He won’t commit to just being with me during the time that I’m in his life, aka on the same continent.

Yeah, if I were in his position I’d want to keep my options open too. And yeah, it seems like I’m the only one and that’s what he says. Who am I to stop him if he meets the One and I’m still hanging around…..

He won’t break his plans to go to the gym in order to meet me when I’m in town, though we haven’t seen each other in 2.5 years.

Okay, I guess this one sounds a little psychotic. I thought he was the one and tried to maintain a close connection. We tried to make plans but it wasn’t in the cards. Because he wouldn’t give up a day at the gym. FACEPALM. This was my wakeup call moment.

He goes to the gym all the time and berates me for drinking diet soda.

Yeah, I know, I should be healthier, I should hate on myself too for being imperfect..

He shames me for being overweight.

I deserve it, don’t I? I’m in the wrong here, why should he be anything less than honest? I am beneath him since I’m not in the best of shape and he is a lot more dedicated to fitness.

He tells me I like sex too much.

Maybe I do…If a guy’s telling me that, maybe there is something wrong with me…

He eats less than me and tells me I eat too much.

Well, maybe he’s kind of right, he’s just trying to motivate me- I should be more like him.

He doesn’t go out of his way for me.

I should be more independent too.

He uses silence to tell me he’s just not into me while keeping the door open.

Damn, I should be the woman in the relationship.  What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I play that game.

*These scenarios come from different dudes at different times, though there are some that are sadly common across all of them*

This is why I am single. Not because I am some horrifically unattractive mannish troll, not because I lack communication skills, not because of some bad ex experience or family issues or whatever.

It just comes down to a plain old lack of self acceptance.

There’s nothing wrong with me. If you are wondering from the comments, I am technically overweight but I am healthy and physically active. I gained weight due to emotional eating and am well on my way back to my happiness and my happy weight.

I’ve made the same “mistakes,” over and over again. With different guys in different times.

I’ve continued to throw myself at people who don’t care for me.

Why? because I thought there was something wrong with myself.

But no more. That ends now.

Today is the day that I get picky, that I don’t need to protect myself from emotional harm by closing myself off entirely. Today is the day I say yes to all the possibilities in the universe and take the first step on the staircase even though I don’t know where it will take me.

When I met someone who I loved but who is no longer right from me, I told him that I said yes to him and yes to life.

Well, today I say yes to myself.

And everyday hereafter.

Love starts from within.

And I will follow my path, no matter how far it seems to take me from where I think I will meet Mr Right. Because Mr Right is there somewhere on the path.

I will say yes to romances along the way, knowing that each day I’m getting a little closer.

Today, I am going to stop needing to prove myself to those people who sounded so much like the voices inside my head.

I’m going to stop trying to people please my way into someone’s heart that just isn’t into me and make myself open to receive love, pleasure, kindness, and generosity.

Today is the day I stop chasing what’s wrong and closing off the flow of life with all the “should” s that were never mine in the first place.

Today is the day I blocked a person who I thought I would marry because he didn’t take an active role in our friendship. Today is the day I reached out to someone who had kept saying he would call but hasn’t and that didn’t even prompt a conversation, and I give up on this disappointment and let him go.

Today is a good day.

God bless.

MJ

 

 

 

Advertisements