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La vien n’a pas besoin d’un but; elle est un but en elle-meme.

Life doesn’t need a purpose/goal; It is an end in itself.

French proverb

My first French amant told me that, one day when I was word vomiting at him about trying to find the meaning of life and figuring out what to do with my life.

Once I posed the question to someone who was much more dear to me, and remains so, who I also met in France. He said life has the meaning you give it.

I’ve been feeling really unsettled about him recently. It is so easy to make him out as a villain now though he seemed like a hero at the time. He was so easy to be with but looking back now I remember all the anxiety and uncertainty that came with that kind of love, that genre of relationship. The kind where both people know it will end, so maybe one person gives some ground where they wouldn’t if it was long term and the other hesitates about letting the other in to far into his life, into opening it up to something that is sure to leave.

We kept in touch after I left, with me putting in a bit more initiative but a steady response from him. I can’t tell you how many times there’s nothing I want/wanted more than to go back to a night in watching TV with him, how much I wish we could order some pizza this time and cuddle.  I think about what I would have done differently, what might have been a warning sign, all the reasons why maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, and wonder if I’d want to go back to it now, still, being a different person after all and the fact that our correspondence, and connection, seems to be fading.

The truth is that with time, with growth, with mindfulness, the desire to cling to the past has been eased. And I don’t know what role he should play in my life now. I used to think that love wasn’t true ever if it didn’t last forever or fit into a certain type or relationship box, but now I realize that the present circumstance can illuminate sometimes but not change the past. It doesn’t have to have a “happy ending” to have been a happy, joyful moment.  If it’s not right now that doesn’t mean it wasn’t right then.

And finally I see, through the intervention of this man coming into my life by chance and filling me with joy and awe at the  mystery of the universe and the fact he didn’t check all my boxes but jeez was he so nice to be with then, that this doomed relationship didn’t need to have a point. It didn’t need to anything. I learned a lot, but that wasn’t even the point. The point was that I lived it, and it was good. The point is that it was a privilege, a gift, an honor, an incredible boon to have lived it. I’m so happy for the genuine tears I couldn’t control when we said good bye for what might be the last time as lovers. I’ve seen him since and I don’t know what it was but the spark just didn’t seem to be there and seeing each other again wasn’t quite Notebook-like.

(though nothing is like that goddamn movie).

It’s such a joy to let go and let God, without saying that the whole thing was meaningless or silly or pointless. It wasn’t. It was a pleasure.

It was my life.

It was imperfect, like so many other things, not least of which the teaching experience that led me to business school that led me to the street where I bumped into him.

I’ve learned a lot about time and chance and the feeling of a pull towards somewhere this year. It’s more apparent to me than ever that life doesn’t run like clockwork. It is like a river, it is like the atmosphere, it is like trying to explain a hiostirical event without counting 17 casual factors. There are so many forms of rhyme and reason to it, so many stories we can tell about why and how and how come, but ultimately, it ill just is.

And, come what may, that’s enough.

I don’t need answers. I don’t need a “happy ending.” I don’t even need to ever speak to him again, to know that this love was worth having,

and this life was worth living. not because of him.

Just because life is.

Namaste and love,

MJ

 

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