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As I left the gym, I caught a glimpse of one of the trainer, with her taut stomach and spandex leggings. I thought, “It must be nice to not worry about what you look like and trying to hit a certain size to get into those pants.”

And I realized that for the trainer, every day was a healthy day, and that’s why she didn’t have to worry about it.

There were no on-days and off-weeks, just a way of life, no goal to hit, but a lifelong habit of being healthy just like I brush my teeth in the morning.

And I realized that for me, there’s no magic point where I’ll stop watching what I eat or making sure I stay active. This is it. All I’ve got to do is keep going and keep getting better.

In the past few days I’ve noticed how much food is an addiction for me. Sure, I hate feeling hungry and I don’t like writing down what I eat, but what is even harder is walking away from something I habitually eat even if I don’t actually want it. It’s hard not to obey that script that I am an overeating person and I eat when bored or sad or angry and sometimes just because stuff is there.

I had a small part of a donut.  I realized how sickly sweet it was, and didn’t feel the need to eat more. However, my brain just felt a rush of pure sugar happiness. I ate more, not to taste the donut but just to get that feeling back, and I felt crappy after as that instaneous sugar rush wore off. They say Oreos are more addictive than heroin to lab rats.

That’s what it is, an addiction.

And what is addiction? A form of suffering. An escape from the present moment. An “I want,” that screams so loud in the mind you forget your inner peace, your natural state of enlightenment. I was calmer before I ate that donut, although the reason I first ate it probably came from the cue somewhere in my brain that since it’s there and I am idly I might as well have a bite. Just a bite, to be reasonable, which then lit my brain up so I had to have more.

I thought I had to have more. I listened to my thought.

But I didn’t have too.

Forever is now. There’s no need to do anything I don’t want to always do. There’s no sense in creating a habit groove for something I don’t want to do.

This isn’t going to happen some far day away, that I will get rid of this problem once and for all and live happily ever after. It wasn’t on that today that I ate the donut, or today when I had more dessert than I actually wanted and am not sure why.

But it will be a today. It will be a now. Everything happens now, nothing ever happens someday.

Today is the day I decide to be happy, no matter what I’m waiting for or hoping for, no matter what’s happened, no matter what I’ve done. That donut is in the past.

Exhale.

Namaste

MJ

 

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