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So a person who was and is special to me came back into my life.
I felt like the relationship was not reciprocal and had no future (by relationship, I mean friendship with someone I would have liked to have a relationship with but who lived far away and was seeing someone else) and the connection just seemed to be missed.
Granted, I had not before or since really felt a “soul sister” kind of connection with anybody quite like this dude. The moments we did spend together are still cherished.
So I felt like it was wrong to totally cut him off as I did so I sent him an email, with the caveat that he shouldn’t feel obligated to respond I just wanted him to know I was thinking of him and doing well. May have included reference to one of those moments, not totally sure if he got it.
And he did get back to me, and wanted to hear more. I sent him my regards and encouragements- apparently he seems to have changed his life plans a bit- and invited him to call.
God, I hope he will.
Even as I realize that my version of the ideal man today and when I met him (HIM) have changed somewhat. I also realize that he had a lot of stuff going on and some growing up to do probably before he could have made me happy.
Maybe it is in the stars and that FEELING I had when we first met was correct, however crazy.

But I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I don’t want to look for excuses to get in touch with him, to read into everything he says, to hope that somehow there’s a way for us because I jsut haven’t met anyone else. I have had a relationship since falling for him, although I don’t know if it’s one that bears rekindling in the same way I feel like he and I just pick up where we left off no matter how long it’s been.
Because the truth is that I love him, I want the best for him. I want the best for me too, even if it’s not him, and even if I’m not what he wants. I don’t know if he would be best for me.
It is tantalizing just to send him an email, beceause there’s history there that goes deep and fairly long. I know about his daddy issues. I don’t want to save him anymore, but I would love for him to save himself. (especially since I finally realize I can’t.)
And the truth is that, I miss him, simply because there is intimacy there. There’s no need to explain. I have embarassed myself declaring my love more than once for him (three times).
I know he couldn’t accept it because it was impossible (even I knew that) and because you accept the love you think you deserve it. At one point there was a giant emotional circle jerk going on of him obsessing over someone who didn’t want him and me declaring my love for him who didn’t love me.
It hurt, it hurt so bad to have such high hopes and to see them dashed.
It hurt most of all to think I couldn’t trust my feelings.
And the saga, well, that hurts too.
Sorrow opens the heart. But it needs to make room for something better, healthier, happier.
God, I want to see him again.

I may have made some “mistakes,” done unconventionally things, and felt like I made the same mistake a million times. Maybe I was just brave.
Come what may, I have no regrets.

Namaste
MJ

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