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Or self perfection, or some fuzzy dreamlike place called “happiness” where nothing is wrong.
Mostly because I already live here, but it’s not always easy to recognize.
Not even seeking wisdom.
Because wisdom comes with time and experience, and I’m finally at the ripe old age where I realize there’s no point, no pleasure, no good in rushing life.

I have had dreams come true- quite solid, tangible ones- and worked relentlessly and eventually gave them up to God before seeing them realized. I’m not giving up on making dreams come true, because your dreams are the things that are really your own.

“Love,” is a little too vague to actually exist. Enlightenment is too easy to compare to other people’s. Maybe my enlightenment is just going to the gym. It doesn’t make me a Buddha, but maybe this life of mine wasn’t given to me to become a buddha.

But it was given to me to become myself. And that doesn’t necessarily mean the person I think I should be, who always has a neat room, doesn’t bite her fingernails, and is good at Excel and keeping things organized. And that person is not going to be perfect, lowering my standards is not going to change that, and nor is hating myself for it.

I do hope, not someday but soon, I learn to appreciate myself for what I already am. I try not to be greedy of material posessions but when it comes to virtue, I’m a hoarder and a coveter. I don’t really think that’s what being a good person is about.

I’ve often wondered about when the time will come when I’ll finally see myself as a success. I guess it should already be here- life’s been really good to me, even if I don’ have the perfect boyfriend, perfect job, perfect body, perfect life. I know that day will never come. And beating myself up about it isn’t helping either.

As far as love and enlightenmen, I think they happen when you aren’t looking. when you least expect it.
What I will say is we do have some control, some choice. If I know what I want in a partner and am sure of i, it means ruthlessly saying no to guys who doesn’t have i. If I want to be more spiritual and content and enlightened, watching Kim Kardashian, as well as judging her for being Kim Kardashian, is probably not the place to start.

Some things can’t be won through the search, or at least the search alone.

And tha’s why it’s time to admit what is not in my control, do what I can, and let it be.

God grant me the serenity.

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