, , , , , , , , ,

The truth is, I am single on Valentine’s Day, and I am a bit sad about it.
Not because I don’t think that one day I’ll have a wonderful man to shower me with love and attention;
A little bit because there is someone in my life I would like to be with if destiny, and he, permit;
Mostly because I realize how much I want a soulmate, a life partner, dare I say, a boyfriend, a husband, someone to love, my Prince Charming, my hero, the perfect combination of nerdiness and sexiness, and so forth.

I am 25 and really “starting my life.” Just this week I began a real job, one where I commute to a big office building, get paid well for my time, and get to be a professional. I’ll soon be moving to France, making a dream come true. I’ve travelled too far and lived too long to think that I know where the road will take me. I love my own life enough, and my independence, that the idea of giving something up to let someone in is scary.
The truth is that love does require some sacrifice. maybe it wouldn’t feel like that, but I certainly wouldn’t be the same person if I had the love I want. My life would be different.
I would have to think about another person, more and more, in every decision I made. Maybe my man would support all my dreams, but just the dislike of separation would be a tether. I fear I’d be a little less wild, but my heart leaps at the prospect of that one person I can show my entire self to.
And our lives would gradually intertwine. He’d meet my parents and my family would love him. My friend would expect to see him around, and I’d get to know his. My “me” time would decrease I guess. We would have to navigate all the litle milestone of a relationship, all the tension filled, dramatic moments- wondering when to make it official, how it would fit in with our careers and future plans (as a traveller and expat that makes things complicated),
Maybe we would get married. And then everything would change.
Maybe we wouldn’t, and the life we had started o build together would crumble, and I’d be sad. This happened to me once, and just the thought of having to bear that loss again, to feel your best friend and other half and constant companion torn from you, as well as a whole way of life along with someone to get you a present on valentine’s day, just terrified me. I think it’s a pretty good part of why I havent’ been in a serious relationship since.
I’ve been too busy doing me, much as I have pursued flirtaions and wanted to be in a relationship and even fallen in love. It wasn’t in the cards. So much was changing in my life there was no real foundation for a relationship to stand on, and I’ve changed a lot.
My self image has even changed in the week since I started work. I feel different, prouder, more confident, and I realize how much I do care about my career.

Those timelines I planned when I was thirteen no longer seem so sane. To be married by 25, have a child around 30? Now I still think I want kids and well before the age of 55 like some people are having them these days, but I really can’t imagine myself doing the constant, messy, tedious, self-denying work of being a parent at this point. I think it would be the greatest experience ever undertaken and dare I say it, I think I’d be a great mom, but right now, I can’t imagine getting anyone dressed in the morning but myself.

Getting involved with someone now would be so much differnt than a high school boyriend. It could be a time to play for keeps, legitimately, since I’m a real person now iwth a job and bills and career and real dreams for my own life, finally having found my voice and going after what I want- and incredibly, with the grace of God, achieving it. Just this in itslef is a miracle, let alone my newfound confidence realizing how competent I actually am and that you DON”T have to be perfect all he time as I always told myself.

And then I think about, mostly in particular, this guy. THis person I can see myself climbing mountains with, going to cocktail parties with, having witty banter and pillow fights with. I am going to be moving a continent away, but he wants to live abroad too. HE WANTS TO LIVE ABROAD TOO! And he has really supported me as a friend at some crucial times. I don’t need to have sex with him to feel love or closeness to him. A phone call after months of silence is all it takes to bring back that craving for his presence. I haven’t actually seen him in person for about two years.

Spending a day with him wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe spending a lot of my days wouldn’t be so bad, with him. Maybe he wouldn’t totally upset my apple cart and just make me more me.
And since we are friends, and I have seen some of his demons and he’s seen some of mine, some ofthe illusions I had about my handsome prince are gone. He has disappointed me. He does have real flaws. And right now we are truly just friends. But if we are soulmates, that hasn’t changed one bit.

It is scary, the thought of letting any imperfect, not-me, other human being into my life who can so easily walk out of it. Who can disappoint, scare, hurt, leave a scar. Who could “waste” the “best” years of my life. Who I could be, quite simply wrong about. Whether it’s my friend or any other guy, I have to admit, as mch as I might have thought I needed and wanted a boyfriend so many times, there’s a reason I haven’t found one. I just haven’t chanced about the right person at the right place and the right time.

But I do have this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, thinking of a special someone.

And moreover, my gu just aches, it wans me to be with somebody.
Even though hings are, in their way, so great now. Even though that would mean even more difficult change in my life. Even though I imight get disappointed and lose.
What is love? Courage. And Courage couldn’ exist wihou this fear, could i?

Not just to love, but merely to desire to love is a highly unstable, difficult stae. It is vulnerable, a compromised position. Leaving your heart open, even if only the most discriminating of circumstances, is serious business.

But wherever, and whoever youare, my other half of an already completely whole, my soulmate, my love- please come get me. I miss you. Soon!