Every now and then we are graced to cross paths with someone who touches our soul, for whatever unknown reason, and even to get to keep them.
After a night of intimate conversation, a part of me wants to run away screaming. It is so real, so true, so not quite what I expected but everything I knew was always there. I just felt so close to this person. We were hundreds of miles away and just texting but I have felt his presence all day since. It feels like he’s everywhere, and so many of my thoughts are just conversations with him in my head.
And today we haven’t talked at all. I sent him a message yesterday when we were texting and I know he must have gotten it. It was the type of thing that didn’t demand a reply. And truthfully, though I want to tell him everything, there isn’t much to say, because it was just all there.
Some things are so powerful, so true, there is no need for them to be said.
His silence just gets louder and clearer to me. The more I know him, the more the space between words takes on life. He doesn’t always say everything he feels directly, and he is just so real. Such a real person, once a treasured memory at arm’s or pedestal distance, a forgotten hope, a sigh and a grimace at something beautiful that seemed lost, but now I know it’s just a part of things. As real as the floor I’m standing on.
Sometimes it seemed like the memory of a memory.
It’s just so close and emotionally intense. All I want is to be reassured- you’ve come this close and you like me, you feel as I do, you feel it too, you’re not going to leave me now.
As much as I have thought of running the away way, or chasing him down which would be the same thing, demanding reassurance, demanding comfort. Not being brave enough to admit how I feel. Soft, fuzzy, open.
He just has that effect on me. It’s not the first time. And now I understand the apst better.
Faced with the truth of my vulnerability, I finally see my defense mechanisms for what they are and can let them go, gently. I miss him, but I need my space too. And I know he needs his.
God give me strength to bear this challenge. My skin feels like it’s set on fire- boundaries are blurred, and everything is in a haze. There is such exquisite sensitivity, I have become irritable and wretched with the realness of it. THis is my real life, and what I am witnessing in myself is pure magic. ANd with what I have with him, something truth.