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Taking a break from worrying about boys and being totally astounded that living in Paris hasn’t magically made me happy to focus on the big why. And it’s not all about love and life and hallmark movies and fairytale endings and where my true home might be. It’s not entirely about work/life balance, or finding your passion. It is about what kind of environment you feel comfortable in, and what you want out of life, but… I think it’s really about finding your life’s work. What you are willing to suffer a little for, because it makes you full. Because it makes you feel meaningful. I’ve seen people who despite a lot of stress and headache and responsibility, unfairness and organizational dysfunction, really like their jobs. And I’ve seen people trapped in difficult situations, who retain their good humor. And I realize that I have a real privilege, to choose the course of my life and really have prety much any option I want open to me. Which means I have to face up to my true desires, stop being a coward, and listen to my soul. Which has been telling me pretty much the same thing all along though I’ve gone in another diretion- not a bad direction, and certainly part of my path, but not to be confused with what gives me that feeling of deeper purpose. I want to be a teacher. It’s what makes me feel good about myself, about others, about the world. The ability to share something I am excited about, and to empower someone by giving them a new light they’ve never seen before, a new skill, a new way of seeing the world, that is just an incredible gift. And I am damn good at it. What’s been really wrong is not just the fact that I who loathe arbitrary restrictions of any kind have to come in and come out at given times and play the game, not just because I lok at my boss and I emphatically don’t want her life, or I look at my own and think, is this all there is? is this really all I’ve gone to school for and prayed for these many years and months and hours? And so the feeling of being in the wrong world, quite literally, is compounded by feeling like an imposter- the main feeling that made me depresssed in business school and was partially due to my lack of confidence, but also the idea that I was playing a role I didn’t quite fit. I felt like others could see through me, and I was right.

Those who did see me, and adored me as I was, knew that I hadn’t quite found my stopping place. And the people/person who pushed me there to b school, they did it for the right reasons and forced me into reality and making a decision on doing something my life rather than staying in limbo. And now, thanks to business school, I can support myself well, and I can work anywhere in the world.

That’s a lot.

And, I can be a professor in a field where people are actually getting jobs! Where there are alternative arrangements such as that giant 70% of the economy called the private sector, for consulting work on the side or if academia for whatever reason just doens’t wrok out.

Being a b school professor would take a good amount of sacrifice- I actually stand to make money now if I’m not going to school- but the rewards are quite rich. There’s the possibility of doing executive education classes and working anywhere in the world for short or long stints. There’s the opportunity to make a difference in the real world through your research, and not be too cut off from it.

There’s the real ability to make a difference in the critical faculties of people who are not in college simply to learn, and help create a better generation of workers and managers who make the world a better place for all.

In order to do this, I am going to have to do a shit on of math. Basically my biggest fear. And learn to work with data.

But it’s time to stop running from this and into other roblems I don’t even want to solve and aren’t as invigorating for me because they are just obstacles, not stepping stones to where I am meant to be.

SO now I see my current job as exactly in alignment with what I need for my greater goal, and I feel very satisfied with that. I also recognize that I don’t HAVE to be working in the kind of capacity I am now, or become my boss, or do anything.

I’m an explorer, and quite frankly I’d rather teach and learn than work. Working is rewarding at times but also boring, and honestly for me I look at it mroe as a participant observer. I never really thought of it as my voie.

Becoming a professor is going to be incredibly hard- mentally, financially, in terms of my relationships and everything else.

You can’t run from who you are.

But by accepting who I am, I feel free again.

I feel like I did as a student, and as a teacher.  Which is all I’ve ever really wanted to be, besides a leader. And that has nothing to do with your job description.

I felt a huge pain in my heart last night and couldn’t sleep and as the sun came up and I realized the possibilities before me and that this long time dream of mine can still come true, it takes all types of people to make a world and my calling is as good as any of them, true the world would collapse if we all just became teachers and did nothing else but I can take pride in the desire to teach people something that will actively and directly help them create and build the world anew as well as dream about it.

Life is good, and I have every confidence that God is guiding me. Even if He has a sense of humor and leads me in ways I don’t entirely understand.

And I will get up, dust myself off, and try again. The only failure is quitting.

And honestly, with the grace of God, all in all I’m doing prety good so far 🙂

 

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