In an introspective, cuddle under the covers, maybe go to bed early, possibly watch some How I Met Your Mother and Vicky Cristina Barcelona mood. And maybe call my best guy friend. I feel bouleversee. upset, overturned. Not in a partiuarly bad way, but just epuisee.
And sometimes the fact that my stream of consciousness comes half in English half in French seems awesome, and other times I worry that I will always be forever alone.
And I just met someone nice, but I don’t think we have enough in common to base a relationship on. In fact, I have a feeling it would be quite a pickle to really find someone I’d want to have a serious relationship. Because cross cultural everything is super hard, and it is 90% of the work of my job. ANd I just want to understand and be understood sometimes.
But we exist in this life for one reason and one reason only: to break. To see our selves shatter bit by bit, to test and see what is real, and to realize that even though we are a part of the air and it appears to all be an empty mind there is something besides the ALL, there is also the me. And for me that gets mroe and more strengthened every time something breaks.
When I was a child, I read books to learn about the world. After I finished college, I learned by traveling and working. As an adult, I live abroad so that I never stop learning annd I just took up Crossfit.
but I find, bit by bit, that some of the things that once broke me open have become a protective shell. Living abroad is challenging, difficult, and great in many ways for my personal and professional growth. Yet I don’t at this moment see myself staying, and I have to wonder what I am procrastinating, and what I was escaping from.
I really see it more and more every day because there are some questions I”m just having trouble answering over here, and the main question just seems to be whether my heart is in America, is my husband in America, would I be happy living in America as a young professional, how would it be?
And to face the fact that I feel lonely, not because I’m abroad, not because I am far from family and friends, but because in some ways I have isolated myself. Including trying to stop myself from experiencing deep connection. And there’s only one person I’ve ever felt that close to, but time and chance made it not possible, and I know that this person can’t save me. Even if he was in the other room rather than quite far away.
To find your soulmate, you must first discover your soul.
Funny how things go.
And the guy that I’m dating that my heart didn’t go pitter patter for right away and who reminds me sometimes of that special someone, if a more mature and seemingly more attentive, wiser, chiller version of him, just texted me too.
LOLZ. there is no such thing as coincidence, and every day it becomes more clear to me there is nothing but mystical energy in this world. Even if the reason my mirror broke is not to damn me to seven years bad luck but to protect me cause it could have fallen in a way that hurt me instead and because of the shopping trip to get the mirror, I got a bunch of other cool stuff. And have to admit I honestly like decorating and buying junk for my little nest. However transient or at times, uncomfortable, it may be.
And I realize how therapeutic this is, that being here is one of the few things in my life that didn’t have a very clear goal. Some might call it procrastination, and I might not know exactly what I’m here for- but it’s my life, and it’s beautiful, and I wasn’t procrastinating on living. It wasn’t a mistake- it was just the beautiful unfolding of life. ANd learning that I had another skin to shed.
And it’s not about sticking to plan and mkaing something clear and smooth and beautiful-
no it’s just a bricolage, it’s like the sea glass and shells and doubloons accumulating on the ocean floor- not really by design, but by chance, made beautiful by some higher order.
And finally, little by little, I’m willing to let go what is lost, and let the truth find me, again.
And let myself be happy.
And sometimes I feel like a bridge, or a mermaid, who belongs neither to one side or the other, who needs both the sky and the water.
And it’s ok that I let myself be happy like that, today is a good day and tomorrow I will raise, transmuted, like a phoenix. What I will be then, I don’t yet know- but I’m becoming, beocming.
me me me