All wish to possess knowledge, but few, comparatively speaking, are willing to pay the price.”
I don’t call it adventure, because going over to work a corporate job just doesn’t seem that adventuresome. Definitely not to me, yet I’ve found working in a French corporation to be its own kind of jungle. Thankfully people at my workplace are very nice, but there’s a lot of stuff you just odn’t know till you know. Like anywhere, actually, but here there’s no friends awake in your timezone so you have no one to vent to except Mom, which is awesome, but is only so much.
And yeah, I cried uncontrollably at work today. Only the most embarassing thing to happen ever. THe fact I couldn’t sleep last night probably had something to do with it, as well as the fact that I KNOW my hormones are way, way off.
But I just talked to my career lady from b school and she assured me it would all be ok and it would all make sense some day and I could appreciate what I learned.
I’m growing by leaps and bounds, and sometimes the landings are painful.
But truth is better than self-delusion, and experimentation is the only way to have knowledge, and experience is needed to gain wisdom.
In other words, life hurts sometimes.
And it’s ok.
It’s ok to make mistakes, because sometimes that’s the only way you can learn and really know things.
And it’s ok to be courageous, and take giant leaps and bounds. It’s ok to be this big of a soul, this fierce of a heart.
Today I learned that if I actually do learn to love myself, most of my pain will go away. Wherever I am. And I will always get back on course.
Where I am now isn’t a detour, it’s an obstacle, a challenge that’s meant to give me strength and will give me true wealth in the road ahead. Wealth of experience, wisdom, memories, and openess. But mostly also strength of character and real confidence in myself. I did it, I took the leap of faith. I landed, and it hurt like hell. Sometimes I feel like I crashed, but it was just my little 1920s charter plane. now that I’ve touched ground, I found my angel wings. And I’m going to use them, when my cloud appears.
Till then, I wait, and wonder.
And ironically, I realize that I need some structure in my life. Even if it’s just he discipline of cleaning once a week and going to the gym three days a week and keeping a budget better, I think that will actually help.
And I’m so happy that I didn’t really fail, I didn’t err too far in coming here, that is, not at all. My soul didn’t lead me astray, it just dealt me a challenge. But one I know I can deal with. And the biggest challenge, of creating my own life and dealing with myself, I would have to deal with anywhere. No escaping me.
And in the meantime, I’ll go to museums, learn to play my ukelele, go see X men and otherwise enjoy life.
Because in addition to learning and growing and sometimes painful learning experiences, aren’t we here to play? Wasn’t that my original purpose? And the most ironic thing about work I’ve found is that if I’m not constantly learning and growing, it seems a whole lot more like work!
This is the secret of life I think- that when you have the courage to pursue your dreams, you will grow in ways not expected, and those dreams, however frivolous they may seem, will bring you real wealth. It’s not attaining the dream itself, its the person you become in attaining something you feel real passion for and having the courage to pursue it. I feel like Life is always on my side, and I know Destiny is my friend if I just follow her hand. It’s not just the treasures found along the journey or the journey itself, it’s YOU. it’s the fact that you find the strength within yourself and a conenction to God that lets you make miracles and takes away all fear.
And also finding that, as much as you might have always wished to be “better,” or someone else, the person that you are and have always been was more than enough all along. here was no one better than you to live your life story. THere is no story better thna the one crafted by your pen. And when you have the courage ot really LIVE it, life becaomes your playground, and everything is light. Everyhing comes to you in its proper time, and there’s no need to worry. Everything really is fine, and the richness is wihtin you and outside you and there’s no lack of goodness anywhere, in any situation. All is well.
And all I have to do is stay open, stay honest. Don’t run, don’t hide, don’t lie. Just step by small step, face the fear and watch it melt away. Give way to your inner goodness, and greatness, and see that there’s no conflict between them.
And finally, amidst all the learning and growing and constant movement and struggle and dance, let it be.