So I just gchatted a picture of the Seine to the person I believe is my soulmate, who I adore despite and because of all of his awkwardness and scars and fierce wit and mushiness. With the caption, “Wish you were here.”
Now Mr ideal man, or rather, my ideal man, is at work, in the US.
I am in France, 6 hours ahead of him in time, and not working. I’m actually sort of procrastinating on cleaning my apartment.
But I wanted to talk to him, because I miss talking to him and I have vivid fantasies of him all the time.
He is quickly becoming my best friend, and there’s always been something more, that I can’t fully explain.
He’s not my Prince Charming- charming isn’t even a word I would use to describe him. I have no illusions of him being the perfect person, but God, I wish he was here, with me, all the time, pretty much. Maybe not all the time because space is healthy, but yeah.
About a week ago we had a conversation about deepest darkest hang ups, and he told me he loved the chase but didn’t know much about the happily ever after, that the rubber band method was extremely affected.
He also told me that there was someone he would move for, and it wasn’t me.
At that moment in time, I have to admit, I didn’t like him very much.
And then he opened up, the sky opened up, we had a fight, we made up, and that golden threat that links me to him just seems to be getting stronger.
What brought up the conversation in the first place was that I had just dumped a guy, and my beloved surmised it was because the guy was too available and didn’t play hard to get.
So you can see this relationship is a bit complex, and he’s not here now.
But the point is, that I know I am lovable. I don’t want to manipulate myself or manipulate him.
I just wish he was here.
There are a thousand reasons he may not have responded yet, and a thousand reasons why maybe he didn’t realize just how much I required a response of some kind.
God, I do think I really love him.
But I KNOW I love myself-
Enough to love someone, enough to risk losing, enough to be seen as who I am, to share, openly and uncensored.
And most of all, to let myself be loved, to take the chance on being adored exactly as I am, and know that one way or another, it is coming, and even more so-
I am happy to be here, with myself, whom I love more dearly even than the hope of a thousand Prince Charmings and scripted happy endings, that happiness begins with me, I am grateful to be here, grateful to be myself-
and I hope I can share the bliss that it already in my heart.
And I can love him enough not to force him to be Prince Charming, to accept his cute, funny, sweet, annoying, stubborn, thoughtful, careful, silly old self too.