I’d already waited for countless years, dreaming of my Prince Charming.
And then one fine day you arrived-if not exactly as I pictured-
before I knew you, really, fully, deeply, I knew.
I knew in a way I am afraid to talk about, because it doesn’t make sense,
and who really can distinguish between intuition and wishful thinking?
If not you, then someone like you?
I remember when you kissed me and I was dizzy, I was out of my head,
Out of this world, for hours.
You aren’t the most handsome man I’ve ever seen,
Not the most skillful lover,
Not even the most generous of men-
but still, I loved you and I love.
You showed up with so many scars, so many wounds I ached to kiss.
Today I am still healing you, and then go off, GOd knows where,
You don’t tell me what you are doing or where you are.
But thank god you are honest, and we really have no secrets, just a little mystery.
I know you never tried to hurt me.
I know, now, that you did really love me, no matter how consumed with passion for a passing fancy you have been since.
I know you wanted to chase me yourself,
You would have chased me if the moment was right- I try to believe that-
that i wasn’t too imperfect, too round, too clingy, too neurotic, not fun enough-
you were right that if we had tried, it would only have brought us heartache.
And even when you held me in your arms, I knew something wasn’t right.
It’s been three years and I’m still half in love with you.
But only half because I can’t declare my love to you and be rebuffed a fourth time,
I can’t lose your friendship-
I can’t even run away from you or shut myself up because I just can’t.
My life is better with you than without you.
I know I’ll never meet anyone like you,
Unless it’s someone like you, for the person I’ve become now.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, or where our paths might cross again.
And I’m so angry at you for not crossing oceans and telling me you love me right now.
I’m so angry at you for making me choose when all I want is you, really.
If you have everything but you don’t have love, it’s so sad and empty.
I’m so mad at you for not dropping everything to come to me, I deserve that.
I’m so mad at you for this waiting game, this precious and torturous intimacy.
I crave you, I love you, I want you so badly, I wish we could just end this game-
But you keep your cards so close to your chest it’s like you haven’t realized we are on the same team.
Whatever ends up happening.
And so I accept whatever this is, soulmate,
I leave room for someone else to enter- there have been other lovers in my life-
But until I have you again, it will be hard to give myself fully to another.
Without trying and failing, how will I know?
But we weren’t made to break, and we both know it.
If once we meet again, I don’t think we’ll ever part.
And I wasn’t ready and neither were you.
Don’t know if I”m ready now.
It’s up to GOd.
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, I just need you to love me,
Yes, I NEED you,
As I grow and change and develop.
And love, I try to give you your space too.
I’m not going to force this, not again, but I need you to be my hero.
I know I need o relax and accept life as it is, but this is what it is
I love you.
Come on man, where are you?
To find you certainly won’t be the end of adventure-
I know you can’t solve all my problems or make me happy,
I know you are a pain in the ass,
And yet, sweetheart, I want to try.
So come soon, please.
I trust you.